Box Full of Letters (the new letters thread)

[diesel_powered]

Dear LPTJ,

The last open letters thread hit 21 pages, so i'm starting a new one.

Love,

M

[diesel_powered]

Dear Guy In Car,

The fact that you had to tell whomever you were on the cell phone with to hold on while you shouted at me for driving the wrong way down a 100 foot alley in a parking lot that was more than wide enough for two-way traffic tells me that you're not exactly someone who should be judging other people's driving skills. Furthermore, the fact that you felt it was your duty to shout at me for doing something that was perfectly functionally sound tells me that you should probably reevaluate your life.

Eat shit,

M

[rockmeamadeus]

Dear World Wildlife Fund,

Man, why you guys got to call me on the afternoon of Saint Patrick's Day when I have been sick all week and this is my first non-sick day and man I'm in a good mood, the sun is shining, and I've got me a pint of murphy's and a glass of redbreast, and here you call me up as I sit looking out my window breathing in the coming Spring.
All asking for donations and shit. TRICKY BASTARDS, of course I am going to give my moneys to the pandas and lions and chupacabras of the world, me sitting basking in the glow of good irish whiskey.
You have a wire on me, don't you? You always seem to want my donation when I am weak and loving all god's creatures. Never calling after I get stung by bee or bit by shark.

Those pandas better see every last penny of that donation, yo,
Blake

[diesel_powered]

Dear Blakeadeus,

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FIRES AND FLOODS AND POISON MONKEYS??

What's wildlife ever done for you,

M

[rockmeamadeus]

WWF, Mike, and God,

I like to think that some perfect day, the pandas and the poison monkeys and the manatees and I will sit around in the Void and pass a bottle of Old Crow around between hits off a gravity bong we will call 'Mr. Chuckles'.

This thought keeps me going through those dark days.

-Blake

[diesel_powered]

Dear Blake,

Can we hold hands and sing "We Are The World"?

Intrigued by your viewpoints and wish to subscribe to your newsletter,

M

[Bernard]

of course I am going to give my moneys to the pandas and lions and chupacabras of the world

HA!

[diesel_powered]

Dear Digestive Tract,

Um..... Could you possibly explain the last sound you just made? It's one that I can't quite remember you making before and while I'm not exactly worried because it wasn't accompanied by any discomfort, it's still bit disconcerting when your body starts making noises you've never heard before.

Puzzled,

M

[girl]

Dear M,

It's probably nothing, or maybe your tapeworm is learning to speak. Either way, I wouldn't worry about it.

[El_Josharino]

No joke. If I got all worked up every time my body made a strange noise, I'd have never made it this far in life.

[slow west vultures]

Dear World Wildlife Fund,

Man, why you guys got to call me on the afternoon of Saint Patrick's Day when I have been sick all week and this is my first non-sick day and man I'm in a good mood, the sun is shining, and I've got me a pint of murphy's and a glass of redbreast, and here you call me up as I sit looking out my window breathing in the coming Spring.
All asking for donations and shit. TRICKY BASTARDS, of course I am going to give my moneys to the pandas and lions and chupacabras of the world, me sitting basking in the glow of good irish whiskey.
You have a wire on me, don't you? You always seem to want my donation when I am weak and loving all god's creatures. Never calling after I get stung by bee or bit by shark.

Those pandas better see every last penny of that donation, yo,
Blake

at least it wasn't the United Blood Services.  thankfully those people have stopped calling me.  i'd like to think diabetes and numerous other ailments were reason enough i don't owe society blood (it owes me!) but it took them some convincing.

[rockmeamadeus]

yeh in all honesty I'd rather give my moneys to the dolphins and wild things then to most other organizations.



I SHALL BE THEIR KING.

[jebreject]

Dear Creditors,

Can't you take a hint?

jebro

[elpollodiablo]

Dear Owen Wilson,
Your services are no longer required. Please leave your SAG card at the desk on the way out. Good luck in your future endeavors, so long as they bring you nowhere near a filmic medium.
Best,
The Moive-Going American Public

[diesel_powered]

Dear XXXXX,

Please STEP THE FUCK OFF. Passive-aggressive emails to the group about your supposed lack of commitment on the part of your PEERS (I stress that term as you seem to be having trouble remembering that you're a student just like the rest of us, and not mr. manager man/teacher/mommy) are not how to address your perceived issues with the department. The fact of the matter is that the gallery "owner" whose ass you've been tonguing this whole time is an irresponsible fuck and some of us are fed up with coming to guard (as per his requirement) only to wait for up to an hour while he does whatever seems to consistently prevent him from being even remotely on time. And let's not forget that it's a shitty gallery that nobody goes to anyway, so I'm not sure exactly who we're to be guarding the work from to begin with. I'm not sure that the homeless people on the street that spend their time yelling at passers-by really could pull themselves together enough to steal anything anyway.

Kindly fuck right off,

M

[milesofsparks]

esteemed pollens:

your job here is done.  go away.  now.

sincerely,
MoS




dear histamines:

STFU.

yours,
MoS

[alexandra]

Dear denzel washington,

stop fucking up my block asshole.

ak

[C of heartbreak]

stop fucking up my block asshole.

Oh man I totally read one of those words wrong.

[RoyBiggins]

Dear Bosses Secretary,

Do not knock on my headphones like they're a goddamned door.  Speaking to me or perhaps touching my shoulder or, God Forbid, approaching my desk from any angle except DIRECTLY BEHIND ME will alert me to your presence in a way that does not make me want to punch you.

Brian

[diesel_powered]

esteemed pollens:

your job here is done.  go away.  now.

sincerely,
MoS

Dear MoS,

OMG... the other day, my car was COVERED in pollen. Like a solid 16th of an inch. I walked out and was all "ZOMG! NATURE SPOOGED ALL OVER MY CAR!!!!" It was gross.

Yours in allergies,

M

[diesel_powered]

Hey... let's dust off this old chestnut, shell we?

Dear Hipsters,

Unless you're either Yassir Arafat or Truman Capote, it's too fucking hot out for scarves.

Get a life,

M

[silentsigh89]

Dear Roofing men,

You've been here for two days and both mornings I woke up thinking that the world was ending! That's fine. But mostly, I wonder about some of the sounds coming from up there. I hear some sounds that I would associate with roofing, but then sometimes there are loud cracks that shake the whole building? Are you okay? Please don't fall off the roof. You make me very nervous. I've been up with you since 6 AM and have been certain that you must have fallen five or six times. Be careful!

all my best,

Tenant, top floor.

[diesel_powered]

Dear Babar,

Serves you right for blowing everything in one shot on Bjork.

 ,

M

[rockmeamadeus]

dear bitchass who took my wallet,

you suck. also you left a personal check and my social security card behind. what kind of thief are you anyway?

i hope you get run over by the el,
blake

[Babar]

dear mozart

i know you're rolling in your grave, but the question is where?

-b