Box Full of Letters (the new letters thread)

[milesofsparks]

dear body,

the weather is too lovely to be under.  shape up.

yours,
kMOS



dear boss,

just because you don't believe in lunch, doesn't mean you should stop other people who quite enjoy it from partaking.

hungrily,
kMOS


dear weather,

please continue awesome for as long as possible.

pleasantly surprised,
kMOS

[mixed cats]

Dear chile relleno I just ate,
I wish that Everlasting Gobstoppers were real, and that they came in the flavor of you, so I could enjoy you forever and not have to be sad when the restaurant I buy you from is closed. Or that one time that they were just plain out.
m.

[milesofsparks]

dear right shoe,

please stop coming untied. 

kthnx,
k

[Ignatius]

dear right shoe,

please stop coming untied. 

kthnx,
k

cc: MY right shoe

whoaaa what are the chances?

[diesel_powered]

Dear Skin,

Can you please cut this bullshit of erupting into enormous, painful, disgusting boils for no apparent reason? Okay, I know I haven't been slathering myself in grease post-shower like I should, but humanity has survived for thousands of years with little to no dermal maintenance, so I really can't understand why you think you're special and that you need to throw a hissy fit whenever you don't get the attention you assume you deserve. Nobody likes a high-maintenance relationship.

Get your shit together,

-M

[ellaguru]

Dear Toronto,

I know the milk crate on the back of my bicycle looks kinda like a garbage bin.

It is not a garbage bin.

kthx,
ellaguru.

[milesofsparks]

dear job,

thank you for making me happy I'm leaving.  it's so much easier this way.

k

[monkeypants]

Dear Life,

Please stop sucking.

Appreciatively,
mp



Dear Brain,

Please stop making things seem worse than they really are.  You can do better than that.

Thanks,
mp

[milesofsparks]

dear Flickr Uploader,

thank you thank you thank you for remembering all the photos I spent the last hour uploading (with notes and titles and tags!) when the circuit breaker tripped thanks to the little heater keeping me from hypothermia.  you are the bestest.

thankfully,
mos

[silentsigh89]

Dear Future Me,

Please remember this experience as proof that you are not cut out to live all by yourself. Get a roommate. Or a cat. Stop tearing up at everything you see on television. Do the dishes.

Thanks,

Current me.

[milesofsparks]

get a cat!  you're great with cats.

[milesofsparks]

dear people on the subway and New Yorkers in general,

don't fuck with me or I *will* give you the pink eye.  you know I will.

pissed,
MOS

[Good Intentions]

An old friend of mine from South Africa took his own life a little while ago. I can't make the funeral or the wake, so I wrote this tribute to be read out there.

It's been a number of years since I last saw Donovan, but the image of him, his openness and his enthusiasm is still clear in my mind despite all this time. My first contact with Donny is when I walked into a shared space, straight off of the street, just as he and some other people who would become my friends were about to start playing a game together. Donovan took me aside and quickly and without any fuss made me a part of the procedings, though he and the others didn't know me from Adam, and that was the note on which all of our time together was spent. Entirely ungrudging in his attention, Donny was always welcoming to everybody and deeply accomodating to his friends, something I frequently had the chance to apprectiate. He also famously had a sense of occasion, which, together with his easy social manner and a studied willingness to shock people, meant that often the best fun to be had at a party was hanging around Donny and seeing what would happen. This however could never hide his genuine enthusiasm for the things he loved and sharing the joy he got out of it, something which characterised the time we would spend together. Once a group of us used his house as the launching pad for a expedition somewhere or the other, and for the joke of us we all dressed up in black band t-shirts to form an eye-catching crowd. Since I didn't have one, Donny lent me one of his—a Black Sabbath shirt—which he gave to me for keeps at the end of the night. It was my first metal t-shirt, and I have since continued that path and gotten quite a few of my own. But that first one remains with me as a clear reminded of Donny's generosity—a generosity of his time, attention, and in sharing the things he loved. That is how I remember him, and he is not someone anybody is likely to forget.

Rest in peace, Donovan.

[G.C.R]

I'm sorry about your friend, Marinus. Knowing how you are about metal shirts that story is pretty great, and that guy pretty influential in an odd way on your life and presentation of yourself. I'm sorry you weren't able to go over. That's a good letter to send.

[Anne the Man]

Echoing that, really sorry about your friend. That is a very good tribute.

[milesofsparks]

dear ants,

I thought you understood.
we don't want your kind around here.

menacingly,
mos

[Good Intentions]

After that bizarre and disgusting opinion column I talked about earlier, I'm going to mail the editor of that paper (not having filled my quota of ineffectual actions for the day):

To the editor,

I wish to complain in the loudest and plainest terms about the deplorable column by Kerre Woodham and the serious misjudgement of your paper in publishing it. To say that some women stay in abusive relationships for sex would be grounds for libel were it said of any particular individual; as a general claim, it is as hateful and inconsequential as the gossip of a mean teenager. The suggestion that we should give couples incapable of having children of their own the corpses of infant abuse victims is too bizarre to discuss, but on any understanding it is shameless, disrespectful to every party and could serve no conceivable purpose. I can make no sense of this grotesquerie except perhaps as a cack-handed attempt to evoke comment at any cost, or as a document of pervasive, unarticulated hatred. The only reason Woodham could hope to show her face after such a display would be if nobody took anything written in your paper seriously. The only way you could have published it is if you don't either.

[edison]

After that bizarre and disgusting opinion column I talked about earlier, I'm going to mail the editor of that paper (not having filled my quota of ineffectual actions for the day):

To the editor,

I wish to complain in the loudest and plainest terms about the deplorable column by Kerre Woodham and the serious misjudgement of your paper in publishing it. To say that some women stay in abusive relationships for sex would be grounds for libel were it said of any particular individual; as a general claim, it is as hateful and inconsequential as the gossip of a mean teenager. The suggestion that we should give couples incapable of having children of their own the corpses of infant abuse victims is too bizarre to discuss, but on any understanding it is shameless, disrespectful to every party and could serve no conceivable purpose. I can make no sense of this grotesquerie except perhaps as a cack-handed attempt to evoke comment at any cost, or as a document of pervasive, unarticulated hatred. The only reason Woodham could hope to show her face after such a display would be if nobody took anything written in your paper seriously. The only way you could have published it is if you don't either.

Awesome!

[Ignatius]

put your cack in my hand, i'll show you.

It's a good thing to publicly disagree with an odious and stupid statement tho. I applaud your effort.

[Good Intentions]

So, wonder of wonders, they actually published my letter (the streak of piss paper in question isn't known for being receptive to criticism). I notice that when they cut it down from 180 words to a more paper-friendly 70 they left out all the criticisms against the editor for publishing such tosh in the first place. Still, if I were going to choose a nugget out of that to publish, the bit they did (the second and third sentences, with substantive criticism about the spurious and stupid claims made in the column) was the appropriate one, though their editing made it a little clumsy.

About half of the letters published were criticisms of that ludicrous and hateful column. Instead of the column, the mewling idiot in question gave up her column for a letter of complaint about the obvious misogyny in her supercilious fuckwittery (with a passive-aggressive foreword). It's an improvement, though I would have preferred a letter of resignation from her, and I suspect she'll be back to do the most damage she can to the standard of comment in society next week.

[milesofsparks]

oh neighbors having a party in the back yard, why do you and your friends have to stand right in front of my window while you say stupid, ignorant things about Brooklyn?  it's too nice to close the windows, but I may have to take a break from working to go out and PUNCH YOU ALL.

sincerely,
kMOS

PS:  only morons use lighter fluid.  get a chimney.

[Anne the Man]

Dear workmate,

Please stop laughing loudly and then reciting jokes that aren't even funny in an incomprehensible monotone. Despite your propensity to do this, I rather like you, have mad respect that you like the Goon Show, and think that your mind is probably quite an interesting place to hang out.

Ambivalently yours,
Anne

[milesofsparks]

dear Scout & Mojo Jojo,

I'm sorry you have to be cooped up all day in the hot apartment with only a small fan.  hang in there--I'll be home as soon as I can!  we will eat tuna-sicles.

--MOS