The quotable LPTJ

[Good Intentions]

The other day, I made up a new drink: a raw egg, a shot of scotch, and half a teaspoon of tabasco. I call it "The Bloodlust". I havve yet to try it.

[Andrew_TSKS]

brrrring... brrrring...

George H. W.:  Hello?

George W.: Dad?  I... I got him, Dad!  Finally got him for ya! Heh... heh heh!

George H. W.: (long pause.)  You jackass.

[RoyBiggins]

[Tlon]

right wrongs
write songs

Oh hell yes.

[jebreject]

You'd be wrong. I however am about to make myself one out of construction paper, sparkles and love.

[Maaik]

poop is so fucking funny i can't even believe it sometimes.

SO true.

[Andrew_TSKS]

Just got our mail today, and there's a novel in it called National Sunday Law. It's one of those fanatical novels based on the Book of Revelation. Apparently some non-profit from Okeene, Oklahoma, is sending free copies of this shit out to anyone.

Inside there's a card advertising a free book called Will America Survive?. "This book portrays a compelling account of unseen powers struggling for supremacy. Revealing God's ultimate plan for mankind, this masterful volume is a thrilling presentation of the past, the present, and the future...It gives a clearer understanding of the Biblical books of Daniel and Revelation." Oh wait, next to the book in small letters it says "This book has been published under several different names. Your copy may have a different title than the one pictured, but the content will be the same." So I guess it's the same book.

Obviously you have been chosen for the rapture.

[jebreject]

holy fucking shit

A: This was a pleasant evening.
B: I agree. It was very pleasant.
A: The meal especially.
B: Indeed.
A: I have given it much thought and decided that I would like to perform a sex act on you.
B: Oh?
A: Yes. An oral sex act would be most fitting, given the wine we had earlier.
B: That sounds enjoyable enough. Have you thought out all of the particulars?
A: Indeed. Would you like to look over my notes?
B: That won't be necessary. Will you expect reciprocation, however?
A: I had allotted time for it, yes.
B: You don't find the act of fellatio debasing?
A: . . .
B: It puts women in a very deferential position.
A: . . .
B: What are you writing?
A: Equations.
B: Sex. . . equations?
A: Yes.
B: . . .
A: I apologize. I don't think we can move forward with this until the proposal is peer-reviewed.
B: Ah. I. . . see.
A: I sense that perhaps I have upset you.
B: No, not at all. I was just thinking of a sad thing.
A: Please don't lie to spare my feelings. It demeans us both.
B: . . .like a kitten left at a truck stop. . .
A: Are you mocking me?
B: . . .a divorced father of three eating Cheerios out of a "World's Best Dad" mug. . . the handle is missing . . .
A: That's quite enough. I'm going.
B:  . . .somewhere a treasured stuff animal from my childhood is being bulldozed beneath a hill of diapers . . .
A: I should tell you that I don't find this level of discourse acceptable.

[Andrew_TSKS]

it's not fucking toasted, or "toastied" or whatever retarded little twee thing, it's grilled

[heather marie]

Extreme?! You have no idea!  I had to drop out of elementary school to work in a textile mill, only to find out there weren't any textile mills anymore.  So I had to BUILD one.  Do you know what it's like to fabricate a Jacquard loom without any tools other than the pocketknife my granpapa gave me before he died tragically of black lung?  No, I bet you don't.  And that's why Heathcote shouldn't go to Sweden!

[KJ]

Extreme?! You have no idea!  I had to drop out of elementary school to work in a textile mill, only to find out there weren't any textile mills anymore.  So I had to BUILD one.  Do you know what it's like to fabricate a Jacquard loom without any tools other than the pocketknife my granpapa gave me before he died tragically of black lung?  No, I bet you don't.  And that's why Heathcote shouldn't go to Sweden!

Dammit, too slow.

[heather marie]

Ah, well, it'd boost his ego more if someone else me quoted him.

[andronicus]

I think there must be some sort of nepotism clause in the first couple of pages...

[KJ]

So I should start lower down, quoting people with 500-100 posts, say?

[andronicus]

So I should start lower down, quoting people with 500-100 posts, say?

No, Heather and I are special friends, that's why the nepotism reference.  You can quote me any time you feel KJ, I feel it is as if we are bros and I will similarly quote you whenever the jolliness occurs to me.  Do you feel this as well check yes or no?

[KJ]

Indeed, check yes for jolliness quotation. Now we wait.

[silentsigh89]

a long one, but totally worth saving:

*I PULL OUT MY DIPLOMA AND MLA HANDBOOK*

*I BLOCK AND COUNTER WITH CHICAGO MANUAL OF STYLE*

*I DECONSTRUCT UR STOMACH WITH MY FIST*

I don't really know where to go from there, so I just took this fearsome picutre.


SO YOU CAN SEE I MEAN BUSINESS.

*I JUST GOT CONJUGATED, HARDCORE*

*BLOOD*

*BLOOD*

[rockmeamadeus]

the Notorious BIGgins has really chubby cheeks.

It had to be said.

[theartlessmonster]

and no cavaties!

[nonotyet]

the Notorious BIGgins has really chubby cheeks.

It had to be said.

Uh, except it didn't, really.

[tops wobbling]

I've got to say this made me lol may soul slap out of my body. When you guys start citing shit, I'm gonna stop, drop, and roll.

(Maybe we should start properly attributing the quotable thread, guys. I don't wanna get hurt.  )

[Andrew_TSKS]

Mary, this may be the wine talking, but you are a blue elf.  With a butt that won't quit.

damn right it won't quit, not until all the smurfs are satisfied. its not easy being smurfette.

[Andrew_TSKS]

fucking hell man, you wanna hear future tech stuff?
MY FRIEND'S MOUSE IS A PHONE!?
it's got numbers and stuff, you just plug it in the landline socket and BAM, you have a MOUSEPHONE  

YEAH WELL MY FRIENDS PHONE IS A MOUSE! AND IT SHITS IN HIS HAND EVERYTIME MY NUMBER SHOWS UP ON CALLER ID!

mary's on fire tonight.

[Andrew_TSKS]

you have heard of bob dylan, right?

Dude, either try to help me out or don't say anything. Don't just name fictitious artists and hope I fall for it.

i don't usually find reebty all that funny but this was solid gold.

[diesel_powered]

fucking hell man, you wanna hear future tech stuff?
MY FRIEND'S MOUSE IS A PHONE!?
it's got numbers and stuff, you just plug it in the landline socket and BAM, you have a MOUSEPHONE  

YEAH WELL MY FRIENDS PHONE IS A MOUSE! AND IT SHITS IN HIS HAND EVERYTIME MY NUMBER SHOWS UP ON CALLER ID!

mary's on fire tonight.

I laughed at this for like five minutes solid. It's bad when you're doing something and somebody asks you why you're laughing and you have to tell them it's about something on the internet.