open letters to people who won't read them

[nati1107]

dear andrew bird,

i think we should get it on. no, for real.

i was going to write this same letter, but in a more explicit way  :wink:

[alexandra]

Dear needles

Please stop pricking me, I only have so much blood.

thanks
Dom

Dear Dom,

This made me laugh. I am tempted to make a joke about you pricking me, but I think I will leave it at that.

prickily yours,
Hannah

OHRFSAJKDHFKJSLEHTUEIHrekaasdafddsa


HAHAHAHAHAHA

[Lalitree]

Dear too many foods to even list, including ones that don't even need that crap, like BREAD for crissakes,

Why do you have to contain high fructose corn syrup? Don't you know I don't drink that stuff? I do adore you and think you are fantastic but we seem to have different beliefs in sweeteners. Please change, it'd be best for the both of us.

sincerely,
alexandra and heather marie and lalitree

[heather marie]

A-MEN! i don't want to spend like, $7 on a loaf of bread or something just so it's healthy.

i'm gonna look into a breadmaker.

however,

dear breadmakers,

why must you be so expensive?

sincerely,
heather marie

[dieblucasdie]

If the price of sugar keeps dropping, it ought to be cheaper to use real sugar soon instead of HFCS.  Yay!

[milly balgeary]

Jon Warren    
to mm1okpara
    More options     9:14 pm (0 minutes ago)
Dear Michael,

I guess today is my lucky day. I am always in the market for SPECIALTY TOYS. Hence, my luck that you were mandated to approach my company for a business relationship. My father was a business man. He died when the Internal Secret Police discovered he was importing SPECIALTY TOYS. I currently have 2 million euros in my bank account, I need to get out of the country. It is currently in the bank. I can withdraw the money but I need fifty thousand US DOLLARS to get it out of the country. I need your help, Michael. I will give you 70% of the 2 million euros if you can front the 50 thousand US DOLLARS.

Respectfully yours
- Hide quoted text -


On 11/29/05, Michael Okpara <ff1oyo@hotmail.com> wrote:

    Dear Sir/Madam,

                                  PURCHASE OF SPECIALTY TOYS

    I am Mr Michael Okpara a contractor with the Federal Ministry of Women
    affairs Nigeria.

    I have been mandated to approach your company for a business relationship in
    respect of a sales contract for the Federal Ministry.

    Your company is to be assumed to have executed a huge supply of specialty
    toys to the Federal Ministry and the original situation should be kept
    strictly confidential for smooth execution and transfer of funds for the
    assumed purchase. This is a deal initiated by top officials of the ministry
    and I have been mandated to stand as an intermediary between both parties to
    ensure  that all activities are put in place for success to be achieved.

    You are to have 20% of the total sum for your participation.
    Your reply to this request is much awaited.

    Best Regards,
    Mr Michael Okpara

[swilkes]

If the price of sugar keeps dropping, it ought to be cheaper to use real sugar soon instead of HFCS.  Yay!

Open trade with Cuba NOW! Seriously, the HFCS is making us fat. U.S. closed relations with Cuba in 1961, and we've been getting steadily more obese ever since then.

Uh oh, I hope none of the Corn Lobby's goons are reading this message board.  

[alexandra]

Dear too many foods to even list, including ones that don't even need that crap, like BREAD for crissakes,

Why do you have to contain high fructose corn syrup? Don't you know I don't drink that stuff? I do adore you and think you are fantastic but we seem to have different beliefs in sweeteners. Please change, it'd be best for the both of us.

sincerely,
alexandra and heather marie and lalitree

Dear everyone who doesn't know that HFCS is bad for you (BAD!) please click the following link.

http://www.sprol.com/?p=236&page=1

thanks.

[RavingLunatic]

Dear everyone who doesn't know that HFCS is bad for you (BAD!) please click the following link.

http://www.sprol.com/?p=236&page=1

thanks.

Yeah, I think HFCS is the new partially hydrongenated soybean oil (which is also in almost everything).

[Wally]

Dear Alexandra

You really like writing pretend letters don't you.
Good keep it up.
It's mittens and liquorice.

love
dominic

[tenaciousMO]

Dear Ford Conversion Van,
YOU TOTALLY FUCKED ME LAST NIGHT AND I DON'T APPRECIATE THAT.
"Dodgy battery connection" my ass,
Myke
__________________
Dear John Vanderslice,

I like your music.  What did you think of that demo I gave you?
"Pale Horse" RULES,
Myke
___________________
Dear Stone Mountain Park, Entertainment Dept.
Thank you from the bottom of my undergraduate heart for hiring me even though I am inexperienced and mildly incompetent.  And please tell Carl that I'm not going sleep with him.  Not that I don't love him and all.  Oh, and can we somehow make the train not blow its whistle during our show?
Thanks,
Myke

Dear Ford Conversion Van,

Thank you for two extra hours with Maaik this weekend.   But that was naughty of you to make him so mad.   Bad conversion van, BAD!!!

M.C.


Dear Carl,

Myke is myne!  paws off!

tenaciously,
Mo


Dear Woodruff Arts Center,

Please hire me.  I am a very smart person and I am an artist myself so I know what I'm talking about when it comes to art.   Look, see, I even have a degree in it with a background in theatre and Music and everything.   It would be totally awesome and then I can get married and be able to pay bills just like a grownup.

Waiting in anticipation,
M.C.


Dear Chocolate,

Why must you continue to be so irresistable?   You know I have to fit into a white dress in six months.   You should have "chocolate points" on your wrappers so that people who eat a lot of you can redeem their points at the gym.   Better yet, you should contain less calories.   Until then, this relationship may have to cease.    It's not you, it's me.  I'm sorry.

Love,
M.C.

[jebreject]

Dear Produce Manger, Outpost Natural Foods:

I hate how you make me feel like I never do anything right, and also how you are so condescending.  Also, shave your fucking moustache.

Your dutiful employee,

Jeb Ebben

----

Dear THE MOON,

You are awesome and I love you.  You are way cooler than Europe.

- Jeb

----

CSI -

I enjoy watching you.  But don't tell anyone.  Please.

- Jeb

[RoyBiggins]

I wrote a four page letter to frank black which said, in short:

Dear Frank Black,

Do not reform The Pixies.  I'm not even a Pixies fan, and see it as a terrible idea.  But, I bet you won't listen to me anyway.

-Brian

_____

Go figure.

(PS--this is already one of my favorite threads ever.)

[Wally]

Dear the moon

Read Jebs fucking letter and imprint it on your brain.

lots of hugs and kisses
Wally

[leisure and poison]

Dear J,

I have a crush on you. You're the geekiest boy I know, but I want to make out with you... a lot. And I don't care if you have a girlfriend. You know that I'm more interesting than her. You only proved that by paying more attention to me than her that night. SO, just make out with me for a bit and let's hangout. I promise, you don't have to break up with your girlfriend.

Kristy

P.S. I realize that I'm horrible.

[old kentucky shark]

psst

hey

hey college












up yours college

[leisure and poison]

Dear Apartment in Portland that Alexandra wants to get,

Please be available whenever Alexandra is. I may soon follow...

Kristy

[FreddyKnuckles]

psst

hey

hey college












up yours college

dear college,
Don't listen to him.  Even though you're really expensive, and I don't really work that hard at learning for how expensive you are, I still like you.  I feel like I'm a better, more learned, rounded person than I was when I started.  Plus you have hot chicks.  Good work college.

[heather marie]

Dear J,

I have a crush on you. You're the geekiest boy I know, but I want to make out with you... a lot. And I don't care if you have a girlfriend. You know that I'm more interesting than her. You only proved that by paying more attention to me than her that night. SO, just make out with me for a bit and let's hangout. I promise, you don't have to break up with your girlfriend.

Kristy

P.S. I realize that I'm horrible.

erm, yes, this is exactly what i'm feeling right now.

[leisure and poison]

Dear Remus J Lupin,

I wish you were real.

Kristy

[another max]

dear college,

you're too good for Freddy.  You shouldn't put out so easily.

[FreddyKnuckles]

dear college, thank god I'm an english major, because I was helping my little friend with her econ homework, cause I've got mad logic skillz, and that shit was wack... WACK.

[leisure and poison]

Dear J,

I have a crush on you. You're the geekiest boy I know, but I want to make out with you... a lot. And I don't care if you have a girlfriend. You know that I'm more interesting than her. You only proved that by paying more attention to me than her that night. SO, just make out with me for a bit and let's hangout. I promise, you don't have to break up with your girlfriend.

Kristy

P.S. I realize that I'm horrible.

erm, yes, this is exactly what i'm feeling right now.

Aw, it's an awful feeling... because I don't want to break them up or anything but I want to make out with him really badly.

[Wally]

Dear Ironic detachment

Please remove your clutches from our world. I know you have never been loved, but I do not care. Little by little you are ripping us apart, and because of that I want to kick you up the ass.

love
Wally

[RoyBiggins]

Dear Kristy,

You shouldn't love me...you're young, and you're beautiful, and you're so much more lovely than that French girl I've been hanging around with.  But...it's...you don't understand...you deserve a whole man.  I'm not good enough for you.

Remus