Depression thread

[Em]

Thanks peacocks! I'm in the waiting room now and that helped!

[jebreject]

Hope it is going/went well!

[Em]

Thank you Jeb. It did go well. The doc was utterly non-judgmental and, after assuring him that I was under the very close care of a psychiatrist, I tried to use a little humor about my antics, and he was totally good-natured about it and willing to play along, which softened the blow.

Then he was like, those are third-degree burns, and he prescribed some special cream and told me to be generous with it and put gauze over the areas. He wasn't sure how much it would help with the scarring but said I needed to do it anyway. So yeah, glad I bit the bullet.

[G.C.R]

Good! Once they've healed, that bio-oil shit is totally your friend for scars.

[Ashley]

it's reading week just after midterms and I can tell I'm really anxious about my grades.  it's really really stupid.  i am so so so convinced i'm going to fail.  i can't really tell how anxious i am mentally but i can see it physically because I sweat a lot and I shake a lot.  the other day i went out and bought groceries and came home and tried to eat something and had a hard time with it because my hands were shaking so badly. 

it's extra stupid because my school is notorious for not giving grades back, and the prevailing attitude is "you shouldn't care about grades".  last semester i took three classes and got emails from 2 profs that said "i'll email your grades to you tomorrow, but you are doing well" and then they did not email me my grades at all - and "doing well" meant I had a 67?  i keep telling myself to chill out because all of my profs know I have an anxiety problem and that if it comes out that I am not doing well I can go to them and ask them for help, and that includes shifting around deadlines.  I'm also talking to the disability centre next week about getting my accommodations changed so I can stop freaking out about attendance, and getting a note taker for my lecture class so i can stop freaking out about my notes being garbage.

it's horrible though, i can see that i'm just anxious and if i could just relax everything would be fine.  but i'm having a hard time relaxing at all.

on the bright side I am around people a lot more and my boss is all "you are so great at your job", and because my job is basically just hanging out with people there's not a lot of option to totally isolate, and I'm way better at communicating with people about how i feel.  but maaaaan... I wish I didn't have to make myself feel like such garbage.  I don't even feel good in the classes where my profs go out of their way to tell me I've done well.  I definitely feel like I'm kicking myself in the teeth here.

[Ashley]

but hey!  I've been able to recognize anxious thoughts and talk about why they're anxious thoughts to my mother, and because of this she's going to start seeing a therapist about cognitive behavioral therapy for herself.  which is really really great and I've been subtly trying to get her to do it for a while.  so i feel good about that!  helpin' people by helpin' myself.  great stuff.

[jebreject]

Stay mindful, Ashley!

[hannah]

Been depressed recently. Or, I would say, just filled with self-hatred, doubt, anxiety—I almost wish I were depressed, wish I could crawl into bed and think about nothing except the black void of despair, but instead my mind races, I obsess, I create lists of everything I dislike about myself...

[jebreject]

Hh! Knock it off! You are the most awesome!

Email me if you'd like to talk though, okay? You know I got your back.

[Lucy]

Goose, I fully hear you on that, though I've also been slipping in and out of some real depressive states too. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

[Black Amnesia of Heaven]

oh my god what the hell is wrong with me

[elpollodiablo]

[jebreject]

It's the season change, at least for me it is. You'd think that springtime a-comin' would cheer me right up, but the changing of the seasons always hits me harder than anything.

[clare]

Yeah, me too, it's weird. Changing the clocks is always a full-on trigger for me, both in autumn and spring...

[Ashley]

I am really really negative lately.  In everything.  Today my mother called me and told me I got a vague mysterious $1000 student grant and I got suspicious and frustrated instead of being all "yeah free money is the best!".  My boss was telling a bunch of people how great I am at my job and I got really annoyed about it.  When people bump into me my first instinct is to get angry (I get over it quick).  Some new friends kept asking me why I was so down and were a bit concerned.   It's frustrating because I don't feel really down, but my language and my perception of things is really negative and makes me feel like I just shouldn't be talking to people right now. 

It's also frustrating because otherwise I think I'm doing reasonably well, in a "oh wow this is really my life?  I must be making the right decisions." kind of way, as opposed to the blind luck approach I usually take to good fortune.  Recognizing that things that are going well are a result of my decisions and being able to take pride and responsibility in that is a pretty huge / new step for me, I just wish I didn't have to talk about everything like I think it's such garbage.

[peacocks]

I know how you feel Ashley. Sometimes it's like there's a waterfall of shit between you and everything else and anything anyone tries to pass through to you gets covered in it. A shit lagoon.

I think my upbringing has trained me to be super  all the time even when stuff feels really bad. I'd say this is a good piece of advice to use just so you don't have to deal with people worrying about you too much but it also sounds kind of terrible. Though, I don't know. I read (or listened to) something about how maybe FEELING through everything isn't the best way to get over negativity and bad memories. Maybe you just have to fake it til you make it.

[jess]

Maybe you just have to fake it til you make it.

This is often true. It's a depression-perpetuating myth that someone first feels better and then gets back to doing stuff. It tends to work more the other way around—you have to start doing stuff despite feeling crappy and then you will eventually find yourself feeling better. In fact, one of the best treatments for depression (Behavioral Activation) is largely based on that idea, and it works really well.

[jebreject]

Maybe you just have to fake it til you make it.

This is often true. It's a depression-perpetuating myth that someone first feels better and then gets back to doing stuff. It tends to work more the other way around—you have to start doing stuff despite feeling crappy and then you will eventually find yourself feeling better. In fact, one of the best treatments for depression (Behavioral Activation) is largely based on that idea, and it works really well.

This is absolutely my experience (particularly with the soul-crushing, want-to-die, don't leave the bed for days at a time type depression that I once grappled with)

[Chet]

i've been having a bit of dip in form lately, with some minor suicidal ideation, which is obviously disconcerting considering what went down a while back, but i feel like those previous experiences mean i know how to deal with this sort of thing better now. and forcing yourself to do things definitely does help. see the list i posted the other day.

[jebreject]

Keep your head up, dude, and remember we're here if you need us.

[Chet]

Thanks man. I definitely feel like it's under control right now, and I have lots of support set up at school and stuff after the last time.

[fishjim]

You sound very safe and self-aware, Chet. I had relapses like this for about 2 years after my last and worst breakdown. Then they went away. Yours will too, but the best thing you can do if you feel yourself slipping is post about it here. We've all been there.

[cold before sunrise]

I'd like to consider myself a happy person but it's so rare for me to smile genuinely that I know this isn't the case. My heart even gets heavy when I've got an object of affection, thinking about caring about somebody deeply makes me squirm. I'm often playful and do enjoy my life but there's a brick on my soul keeping it pinned to the dirt. What's your favourite way of finding amusement in your own personal brand of unhappiness? Are there any good pills to ask for?

No one, not even experts in psychopharmacology, seems clear as to what damage these drugs might inflict on their way to doing good.

[cold before sunrise]

Solution: I haven't been doing things that are good for the heart. They say jogging is the best medicine so I hope this rain lets up soon or I'll be clomping down the muddy trail in my Hunters, blowing a bear whistle every now and then. They are coming out of hibernation and I imagine just starved.

[milly balgeary]

Snap the fuck out of it CBS!