Box Full of Letters (the new letters thread)

[elpollodiablo]

Dear NYC restaurateurs,
How about hiring just one (1) person in your place of business who speaks fucking English? Just a thought!
Best,
epd

[Ignatius]

countdown on thermo coming with board hypocrisy claims?

[donblood]

Yeah pollo, but how would that interview be conducted?

"Okay, so say something in English."

"You down no when the floor!  Floor dirty!"

"Yep, that's English, you're hired."

[milesofsparks]

dear lungs,

calm down.  it's OK.  just BREATHE.

MOS


dear pollens,

fuck you.

MOS

[Aglaya]

Dear Med Center,
  Thank you for taking care of my medical problems in a timely manner, and for being terrible about remembering to bill me when I owe you money.  You are the reason I didn't even have to pay my deductible last year, and I hope you'll do me the same favor this year.  Also, thank you for listening to me when I asked you not to give me Lortab.  The Darvocet is taking care of the pain without making me a vomit zombie.  I don't know why you gave me steroids, but I'll just trust you on it. 

Thanks again,
Crissee

P.S. The broken tooth is actually feeling just fine now, despite having felt like a black hole in my jaw just a few hours ago when I was visiting you.

[Swimmy]

Dear Dragon Quest V,

You're my new favorite game and all, but you know the final T'n'T board? The one with 70 rolls that lets you get two special monsters if you beat it? You know how it's completely fucking unbeatable even after hours and hours and hours of trying? You know how it might possibly be beatable if you took out any one of the "return to start squares"? Really, any single one of them? But there are exactly one too many so every single time I play I always get sent back to the start?

Fix that, please.

Sincerely,
A Dragon Quest Whore

[milesofsparks]

dear world,

I am back.  let's hang out or something.

happily,
k/MOS

[donblood]

Dear milesofsparks,

AO and I were all set to come to the opening but I got home from band practice unable to lift any of my arms or legs.  D said it was awesome, though!  We're planning on making a visit sometime when we're down Billyburg way.

Yours,
dB

[Airplaneshark]

Dear job,

I want to like you but you are making it increasingly impossible. I come in for four days a week, ten hours a day, and you treat me this way? I had so much hope for you and you have let me down. I have problems that I never would have foreseen having now that I am with you.

Hopefully using you to transfer out of this damned state will prove worthwhile. Is it possible that you won't suck as much somewhere else?

Hopefully other avenues open up for me.

Unfortunately yours (For now.[but not at heart]),

Airplaneshark

P.S.

If I lose you it probably won't hurt me that much. Even if I'm poor, I might be happier minus the giant malignant tumor in my brain that is you.

P.P.S.

I'm only with you because of my wife.

[angels45]

I think it is the thread that has a superstitious of letters,because they making impossible.

 
_________________
Refrigerator Water Filter

[kadiekatRN]

I think it is the thread that has a superstitious of letters,because they making impossible.

 
_________________
Refrigerator Water Filter

What?

[YojimboMonkey]

sneaky spambots, one day they'll program one that can actually post intelligibly and then we'll all be fucked

[Greg Nog]

I like that right now they're basically at the level of early jordanmichael/Heathcote posts.

Compare:

I think it is the thread that has a superstitious of letters,because they making impossible.

I mostly uses capitals when the whole world is capitalized

[Thermofusion]

I swear to god I like these new bots better than some of our flesh-and-blood organo posters.

[what whale]

neat-o thread

Dear upstairs neighbor,

I realize this is an odd request, but if you could refrain from leaving your wet laundry in the washing machine for a week straight, that would be super.  (Shit fuckin' smells.)  If you could also refrain from leaving notes threatening us with "a laundry war" when we politely take your been-wet-for-a-week laundry out of the washer and put it in your basket while we attempt to do laundry of our own, that would be, well, really reasonable of you.

Much love,

Lives below you

[Thermofusion]

Man, when it comes to Apartment Laundry Wars, I'm a little more quick on the trigger--I give a motherfucker 15 minutes to get his/her shit out of the washer or drier after the cycle's over--after that I'm throwing that shit on the floor and making sure I step on it as I'm walking around. But all of my neighbors are massive tools, so I have to be one too.

[Greg Nog]

Don't hate the player, hate the game.  The game of stepping on other people's laundry.

[Thermofusion]

I like the game, hate the players.

[what whale]

Yeah, I mean, it probably wasn't a whole week, but it was at least like 4 or 5 days, during which time my desire to do laundry went from "I could..." to "I gotta."  So, "I gotta" rolls around and it's like, OK, I'm going to set her stuff in her basket and start mine.  So I do, and finish mine, and move on.  Two days later Erin's (girlfriend) going down to wash some clothes and there's a note tape to the washing machine lid.  A note written on three sheets - front and back! - of notepad-size stationary, which is itself covered in large, cartoon-ish clouds.  A note which read like the the rantings of an 11 year old girl after fifteen or twenty pots of coffee.  Half of it was illegible, the other half was full of how dare you's and I can't believe it's and, yes, the threat of "starting a laundry war with her" because it's rude to move other people's clothes from the machines.

I knocked on her door to say, y'know, we need to talk, but she never answered, nor have I seen her since.  Instead, we just taped the note up on the fridge and show it to friends when they come over.  Sigh.

[Aglaya]

Drugs or crazy?

[what whale]

Yeah, I don't know.  She seemed nice enough when we moved in, and neither of us ever really see her come or go or anything.  Her car's just always parked in front of the house, on the street. 

It's like, you know that scene in "The Burbs" where the youngest Klopek drives the trash to the end of the driveway and beats the shit out of it with a huge stick.  That is how this feels. 

[mixed cats]

I vote she just has a weird sense of entitlement, and that you should submit her note to passiveaggressivenotes.com

[Maaik]

I vote she just has a weird sense of entitlement, and that you should submit her note to passiveaggressivenotes.com

+1

[what whale]

Yeah, great call, mixed cats.  I mean, this note is PERFECT for that site.

[Greg Nog]

I would also love to see this note.  You should record it as the lyrics to a song.