Was That Too Forward?: Where Forwards Go To Die

[dieblucasdie]

Well, he and heather broke up, right?  So I think that's why they haven't been around.

[Greg Nog]

Seems like he's been pulling out of the internet more generally; he deleted his Google Buzz account, which means all his comments from that are gone.  Now there are a few posts where it just looks like I'm talking to myself.  Which would worry me less if that wasn't something I'd actually be likely to do.

DICK STOP GASLIGHTING ME

[coldforge]

Yeah, I was corresponding with him a little bit during the time that he left LPTJ and his departure was not really connected with the breakup. But then he stopped responding to my emails too

[Thermofusion]

I miss the Dick, but I'd imagine he's unfastening himself from the internet in order to cultivate a more old-fashioned lifestyle of classical pursuits and gentlemanly amusements, and I respect that.

[jebreject]

He ordered a Dear Astronaut tape.

[Thermofusion]

Just got this gem:

THE DALLAS SOLUTION

I have a friend who is president of his homeowners association in the Dallas , Texas suburbs.  They were having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes.  The reason according to my friend is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community.

The trash was coming from the Mexican laborers working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc.  He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, to no avail.  He called the city, county, and police and got no help there either.

So here's what his community did.  They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious.

They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" embroidered in gold on the caps.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for.

After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet.

It has been ten days now.

The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens.  My friend and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans, and according to my friend, the INS said basically, "Have at it!"

SO, FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!

Reminder: Don't forget to pay your taxes....... 12 million illegal aliens are depending on you.

No apology for sending this!!! After hearing they want to sing the National Anthem in Spanish - enough is enough. Nowhere did they sing it in Italian, Polish, Irish (Celtic), German or any other language because of immigration.  It was written by Francis Scott Key and should be sung word for word the way it was written. The news broadcasts even gave the translation -- not even close.  I'm NOT sorry if this offends anyone because this is MY COUNTRY - IF IT IS YOUR COUNTRY SPEAK UP -- please pass this along.  Come through like everyone else. APPLY FIRST - Get a sponsor; have a place to lay your head; have a job; pay your taxes, live by the rules AND LEARN THE LANGUAGE as all other immigrants have in the past -- and GOD BLESS AMERICA!

PART OF THE PROBLEM
Think about this: If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM!  It is Time for America to Speak up. No wonder California is in such financial trouble!

Yep, I passed it on!

Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist.'

[FreddyKnuckles]

Just got this gem:

PART OF THE PROBLEM
Think about this: If you don't want to forward this for fear  of offending someone -- YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM!  It is Time for America to Speak up. No wonder California is in such financial trouble!

Yep, I passed it on!

Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist.'

Contracts on being part of the solution instead of part of the problem!

[jebreject]

How does California's financial woes follow from not speaking up?

[Ignatius]

Because the thousands of Mexicans on the pier are eating all the food, and nobody's saying anything about it!

[FreddyKnuckles]

So do I download the video in a forward from my dad called "a bad moment in black history" ?

[elpollodiablo]

It's almost certain to be a bad moment in rich white guy history.

[elpollodiablo]

Lolz, I also got a forward from my dad today

[FreddyKnuckles]

Mine was actually a sketch from the wanda sykes show and not remotely offensive... possibly though, in the context of the original sender...

[FreddyKnuckles]

I got an email from my stepmom saying Rare Photograph of Ronald Reagan Babysitting Obama

...

....

[ellaguru]

Classy.

[Little Sixes Little Nines]

a more subtle variation of that email would have been titled "I THINK BLACK PEOPLE ARE APES"

[kyle]

How the Internet started:-

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, 
but here's the TRUE story ....

In ancient  Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of 
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.   

Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town

to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in 
between to send messages saying what you have for
sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's 
Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with 
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. 
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever  having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying,

Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called

Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete 
himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of 
Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted -  for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy 
horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the 
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were 
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates,

who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with 
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken 
over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the  Bay of  Ezekiel ,

or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO,"  said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated
Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)


And that is how it all began.
Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuly!!!   

[YojimboMonkey]

'Putting things in perspective'

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman, a University of Nebraska graduate, as President of the United States, Susan Cornhusker. A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, 'So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?' 'I don't think so. It's a 30 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.' 'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'' I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear? ''Oh Dad, replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York .'' 'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.' The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, I'll ensure your meals are salt free Dad, I really want you to come.' So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Cornhusker is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States.' The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do. Dad says proudly, 'Her brother played football at Nebraska.
 

Now imagine the entire thing is in bold 36pt Comic Sans.

[coldforge]

I actually do find that funny, though probably not for the same reasons as the author

[Thermofusion]

We all know who the best caterer in New York is but I doubt Chipotle is capable of producing low-sodium meals

[peacocks]

you're on fire this week thermo

[Thermofusion]

thank you peacocks

[jebreject]

agree w/ cocks

[Thermofusion]

So I've been getting about 2-3 forwards a day from a woman in Texas or Montana or something, as well as cell pics of her new car and grandchildren and friends and shit. Have no idea who she is, nor does anyone in my family, so I'm guessing it's a simple matter of a misspelled email address. Anyway, here are some highlights from this week:

this kid has more sense than every politician on earth
 
 
BY A 15 yr. OLD SCHOOL KID
who got an A+ for this entry
(TOTALLY AWESOME)!
 
Since the Pledge of Allegiance
And
The Lord's Prayer
Are not allowed in most
Public schools anymore
Because the word 'God' is mentioned.....
A kid in Arizona wrote the attached
NEW School prayer: 

 
"New Pledge of Allegiance"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd. 
 
If scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene..
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice. 
 
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all..
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state. 
 
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks...
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.. 
 
We can get our condoms and birth controls, 
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles..
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed, 
No word of God must reach this crowd. 
 
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
If you aren't ashamed to do this,  Please pass this on..
Jesus said,  'If you are ashamed of me,  I will be ashamed of you before my Father.'

~~~~~~~~~~~AWESOME~~~~~~~~~~

Not ashamed. Pass this on.

FEMALE Quote of the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings,we simply continue to fly....on a broomstick.
We are flexible like that.   

Stamp Malfunction

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3.People are spitting on the wrong side.

Take a look at THIS bastard!!!!



High Fashion in the Mosque

We're constantly clubbed on the head with the claim that the Muslim world condemns 9/11, abhors 9/11, etc.  - Yet every day Shirts like this a mass produced, marketed, and sold by street venders thru out the middle east and it's simply OK.  Now a few of our guys, after months of sleeping on the cold ground, eating MREs, not having a good hot shower, and away from their love ones, get caught piss'n on a couple of dead rag head Al Qaeda types and they are condemned by the world.

Alan Simpson, Senator from Wyoming , Co-Chair of Obama's deficit commission, calls senior citizens the Greediest Generation as he compared "Social Security" to a Milk Cow with 310 million teats.

Here's a response in a letter from PATTY MYERS in Montana ... I think she is a little ticked off! She also tells it like it is!

"Hey Alan, let's get a few things straight..

1. As a career politician, you have been on the public dole for FIFTY YEARS.

2. I have been paying Social Security taxes for 48 YEARS (since I was 15 years old. I am now 63).

3 My Social Security payments, and those of millions of other Americans, were safely tucked away in an interest bearing account for decades until you political pukes decided to raid the account and give OUR money to a bunch of zero ambition losers in return for votes, thus bankrupting the system and turning Social Security into a Ponzi scheme that would have made Bernie Madoff proud..

4. Recently, just like Lucy & Charlie Brown, you and your ilk pulled the proverbial football away from millions of American seniors nearing retirement and moved the goalposts for full retirement from age 65 to age 67. NOW, you and your shill commission is proposing to move the goalposts YET AGAIN.

5. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying into Medicare from Day One, and now you morons propose to change the rules of the game. Why? Because you idiots mismanaged other parts of the economy to such an extent that you need to steal money from Medicare to pay the bills.

6. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying income taxes our entire lives, and now you propose to increase our taxes yet again. Why? Because you incompetent bastards spent our money so profligately that you just kept on spending even after you ran out of money. Now, you come to the American taxpayers and say you need more to pay off YOUR debt.

To add insult to injury, you label us "greedy" for calling "bullshit" on your incompetence. Well, Captain Bullshit, I have a few questions for YOU.

1. How much money have you earned from the American taxpayers during your pathetic 50-year political career?

2. At what age did you retire from your pathetic political career, and how much are you receiving in annual retirement benefits from the American taxpayers?

3. How much do you pay for YOUR government provided health insurance?

4. What cuts in YOUR retirement and healthcare benefits are you proposing in your disgusting deficit reduction proposal, or, as usual, have you exempted yourself and your political cronies?

It is you, Captain Bullshit, and your political co-conspirators called Congress who are the "greedy" ones. It is you and your fellow nutcases who have bankrupted America and stolen the American dream from millions of loyal, patriotic taxpayers. And for what? Votes. That's right, sir. You and yours have bankrupted America for the sole purpose of advancing your pathetic political careers. You know it, we know it, and you know that we know it.

And you can take that to the bank, you miserable son of a bitch.

If you like the way things are in America delete this. If you agree with what a fellow Montana citizen Patty Myers says, PASS IT ON!!!!

How should I play this shit? Block her, make up some forwards of my own and send them to her, or just give you guys her email address and let y'all do your thing?

[Greg Nog]

ask her where you can buy the shirt!