no more certain than I think I might have been before: uncertainty, con't.

[G.C.R]

Echoing the sentiments here - that sounds hella scary. Hope you're all doing ok.

[elpollodiablo]

Living alone is making me uncertain. D has been in NYC working about half the time since last November. It makes sense for a whole ton of reasons and we are utterly good with it relationship-wise, but I get into some pretty pathetic self-destructive patterns when living alone, it turns out. And I'd likely be dismal & depressed were it not for the cats. In a way I appreciate the novelty of it, since this ~12 month span is my first and likely last time living alone, but I don't think it'd be at all good for me in the long run.

[Ignatius]

Yeah that is the balls. Make some real good, constant friends. It's enticing to have all this free time to read and develop yourself or play video games and indulge yourself, but in my experience you don't even realize how miserable you get that way until you try to describe it to other people. I'm sure you'll handle it fine and all, of course. Just one of those situations when you think you're taking care of yourself very well considering, but you might not be taking care of yourself very well.

[jebreject]

Also, go for lots of walks. Preferably in nature.

[Bernard]

One question (out of probably 100) in a survey I just took was this:

Hur många timmar per vecka tittar du i genomsnitt på TV

I figure it was asking how many hours per week I watch TV, given the choices for the answers (all in English, like everything else in the survey).

So random.

[Good Intentions]

You're right, actually. Good guess.

[G.C.R]

My lecturer just told me, in our first one-on-one meeting, that he has one memorably excellent person in his Honours class each year, and he hopes that this year I will be that person. NO PRESSURE OR NOTHIN

[FreddyKnuckles]

He probably says that to all the girls

[peacocks]

That is really weird to me and even if it is true probably something he should keep to himself.

[elpollodiablo]

Yeah that's pretty creepy, actually.

[G.C.R]

It wasn't creepy, it was in the context of talking about a friend of mine who did his class last year who is insanely bright, (like being skipped straight from her Honours to her Phd bright) and yeah, really not creepy. But I think it was inappropriate in that, thanks, I already feel like I'm never doing good enough by myself, and now I'm just going to feel like I'm disappointing everyone at every step, including myself. Especially myself. What peacocks said, really.

[Anne the Man]

What the hell, big sister. I was about to congratulate you on being super fucking smart and diligent and getting epic praise from your lecturer. Don't be a dork!

[G.C.R]

Yeah, but praise me when I've done the work worth praising, not when I'm just starting and worried I can't do it at all! (Gift horse, mouth, I know, but dang man)

[elpollodiablo]

Dude you'll be awesome. Don't worry about it.

[G.C.R]

OH MY GOD for real no false alarms tricks of the light or whatever this is REAL TIME
I found a grey hair growing out of my head.

[jebreject]

I have a few here and there. I'm way into it. I'm really hoping for some awesome salt-and-pepper stuff going on in the next couple years. For some reason though, I'm way less in to it when I get white/gray hairs elsewhere on my body. That freaks me out.

[elpollodiablo]

My hair looks frosted in direct sunlight.

[FreddyKnuckles]

I've had greys since I was 14. They've slowly and steadily increased.  From ten feet away you can't see any.  For some reason and luckily they're mostly underneath.

What REALLY freaks me out is that I've started getting a few sporadic white chest and arm hairs, which immediately makes me think of my father who has thick, long grey body hair all over his chest and shoulders.

[Good Intentions]

When I was living in Norway the hair in my moustache became progressively lighter, and I wasn't sure whether it was a bunch of grey hairs or whether I was picking up the Nordic complection by osmosis. It reverted back to normal once I returned to the southern hemisphere. That was weird.

[peacocks]

I am having a hard time finding a place to stay in Oakland. Couchsurfing sucks, not having access to a car sucks. The one person who accepted my request lives an hour walk/half hour bus trip to my friend's house. I'm increasingly nervous about staying at a stranger's house and am feeling very tired. 5 days is a lot for people so I'm having to say I'll split my time between houses which means constantly moving from one place to the next the whole week. I'm calling the guest house I've been in semi contact with today to see if there is still a room available so I can stay there for 2 nights. Staying there the whole week would be pricey. I want to comfort myself in the idea that once I get there everything will be fine and I'll have a great time but I am starting to have apprehensions about that.

Good news is that Seattle is a piece of cake. I have more friends there and a place to stay lined up since before I even planned this trip.

[peacocks]

It's three weeks away. I'm starting to get nervous about flying. About staying the correct amount of inebriated to keep me both relaxed and able to get to my connecting flight and walk around san fransisco once I get off the plane. Listening to the Syria news and about people taking over an airport isn't soothing at all.

[auto-da-fey]

last summer involved epic amounts of lewd behavior and near-constant drunkenness, and I guess some work at some point though I can't really remember any of it. it was easily one of the best periods of my life.

this summer, while I can't realistically call myself undersexed or overly sober, has been a bit more stifling, because I have overextended myself so massively that basically every single day is about ten hours of work ("work" involving a lot of staring over my laptop at a wall, but nonetheless remaining very clearly differentiated from any sort of fun or pleasure or relaxation) and then a movie watched in catatonic numbness. I don't really have any idea how I'll pull myself out from under this workload, and it's starting to close in on me, taking a real toll on my emotional state and even occasionally--though I think I mostly do a good job of precluding seepage here--the whole relationship thing, when I get distracted/stressed/distant/depressive/dissociative/etc.

ugh. these aren't just firstworld problems, they're entirely self-generated by my stupid inability to say no to anything, but still, one of the few things I tend to be good at is navigating stress, and I'm having a hard time fighting off the clenched-chest feeling that sets in every evening when I realize just how little I've accomplished vis-a-vis what needs doing. today has actually been pretty productive, so possible evening ideas include watching a Cassavetes film (questionable but likely), drinking on my couch (virtually inevitable, especially if it's Faces), and getting back to posting here (hopeful).

[auto-da-fey]

that all being said, it will be a geekgasmic moment indeed when I get around to updating my CV for calendar year 2011. the downside being that polishing and admiring one's own CV turns out to be rather less satisfying than I imagined as a green grad student gawking in envy at those people who seemed to be pumping out the scholarly jams.

a true surprise there, I know.

[elpollodiablo]

How did you get so cynical, Whit.

[auto-da-fey]

I walked in Holly Martins and came out Harry Lime, I tell ya.