Toodles to You Bitches: LPTJ Best of 2010 Results/Mix

[mountmccabe]

Deerhoof are much older; they are from the 90s. Deerhunter stormed the scene circa 2007. I am betting the Bard-playing band was Deerhoof.

They are completely different, course.

Deer Tick is newer, too.

[coldforge]

JESUS AAAAGGHHHH this is why I start to talk about Anthrax and Blue Öyster Cult and shit! Because there's fucking NOTHING for me here! I mean it's like, did you find Interpol's phoning-it-in lackadaisical delivery compelling, but were scared off by their use of guitar pedals and distortion? Have I got the group for you!

[coldforge]

The National, ladies and gentlemen! Let's give them a hand!

[coldforge]

Man, I'm depressed. I've got to put on some death metal. A classic: Senate – "Crucifixer".

[coldforge]

CHRIST this is good. I am not dead inside. There is a soul in this shell.

[coldforge]

Phew. Ok. Janelle Monae. My girlfriend likes her, I think. But I don't remember her basically just aping really shitty rock and roll for an entire song last time I heard her. Dun nu nuh nuh nuh na na, ner ner ner ner. Is this the token 'rock' track that so many R&B artists have on their records these days? It sure sounds like it. I mean, heck, that's quite the bassline. You know, those four notes. Over and over again. I can totally see how you could get 'retro-futurist pop auteur neo feminist genius' from duh nuh nuh nuh nuh, ner ner ner ner.

[coldforge]

FINALLY! The much vaunted Kanye record! Even pollo likes this record! So far it sounds like a Rihanna song from 3 years ago, so that's good! I think!

[coldforge]

This is kind of cute, because the incredibly inept root-note horns on the beat really remind me of a couple abysmal DMX tracks from about ten years ago. And holy SHIT were those bad. We're on the bridge now and I'm afraid the instrumental backing hasn't really crept above Casio keyboard quality.

[coldforge]

I still like that other song better. The one that keeps going on about DYNOMITE. Talo Cruz—'Dynamite'. That's what i want to hear right now. I mean we're basically saying the exact same level of harmonic interest, but a slightly catchier chorus. And I brought it up on youtube, and there's hella hot girls girls in the video!

[coldforge]

Though I will confess, this tape distortion + piano sound gets me. It reminds me of this killer Gorgoroth track. 'Domine in Virtute Tua Laebitur.' You all queue THAT shit up!

[coldforge]

Ok. Jesus. Two songs left. We can make it through. We will get out of this.

[coldforge]

Big Boi reminds  me of Bunk from the Wire. Boy, am I glad that I finally get some of these Wire references! Yes, 2010 has been a big year for me. Admittedly, there's been some setbacks. Flaming Tusk lost its lead guitarist. We're coming back from that but it's a long road. My novel got a not entirely favorable response from my co-author's agent. But I can say—whatever else happened this year, I can say—I watched like, THREE whole seasons of The Wire. They can't take that away from me! All those references—I mean, I know who Omar is now. Could I have said that this time last year? Most assuredly not. And that's all that matters. You've got to keep moving forward, no matter what life puts in front of you. Personal disappointments, professional disappointments—friendships lost, lovers drifted away... You know about The Wire now. That's what sticks with you. No matter fucking WHAT. I think a lot of us have a lot of hopes out of 2011, for sure.

Oh, yeah, and this song kind of sucks. But I don't think any of you actually care.

[mountmccabe]

I thought you were hoping for some OutKast? Curious.

[coldforge]

This is what it all leads up to. The best song of 2010. Joanna Newsom. Not entirely sure who that is. Pretty sure she's the chick with the really high voice and the harp, but maybe not, and that could actually be two different chicks. But regardless of who the fuck this chick is, you, my peers, have chosen her for the greatest album of 2010. As I alluded to in my last missive—a year that a lot of people felt was pretty shitty. I think that's interesting. I haven't heard from anyone who said, 2010 was awesome. Let's do it again. Everyone I've heard said, 2010 sucked—may 2011 be better. Really? Everybody in the world had a shitty year? Maybe I had a shitty year too, and just didn't notice. I don't remember much. I rarely do, to speak truthfully. A whole year? To remember the character of a whole year, to have derived the overall imprint of the span of that much time, to distill it to a single judgment? Such proclamation is not for me, to be sure. What can I say of 2010? Can I say it's been truly of a different character than 2009, or 2008, or 1958, or 1908? Can any of us? Can Joanna Newsome? Newsom?

Oh, holy shit, you got to be kidding, this chick sounds fucking RIDICULOUS

[coldforge]

This is really your fucking favorite? Seriously, this woman sounds like she belongs on the soundtrack to a $900,000 movie about the quirky inhabitants of a strip mall in Albuquerque, New Mexico. This woman has enough quirk in her upper register to choke a Shetland Pony. I mean, I guess it's nice that she's trying something different, but I swear to God I feel like this is the sort of person whose house I would hesitate going to visit for fear that she might feed me a pie with cat hair in it.

[coldforge]

Does this person have a mental difficulty?

[coldforge]

Where is this person from? Is that the new hipster affectation, the Northern Cities Vowel Shift? What the fuck are you pulling on me? Bullshit any of you people actually listen to this shit more than once. Basically you all heard this record, you were all, 'Yeah, that's pretty quirky, that'll reflect well on me' and went back to your Pavement records. Right? I can't believe this is the long song you picked, Blucas. Now you want to fucking stick it to me.

[mountmccabe]

She is from rural Northern California.

Also I put this song on my own Best of 2010 mix; it is my favorite from the album when heard outside of the context of the album.

[coldforge]

And with that essentially non-existent fadeout, we finish. An ignominious, quirky end to an ignominious, quirky year, I guess. Full of clumsily layered vocals and under-endowed trumpet lines, full of heartbreak and the long, grinding gnaw of disappointment, full of overcooked chord changes and undercooked songwriting conceits. We emerge—not stronger, and not broken, but simply, subtly, indelibly, ineffably and in some very small way forever altered—into 2011. Who will guide us along the path of another year? Who will be our Vergil for another solar circumambulation? What already sub-par compositions will we shamelessly rehash for the great, unknown trip that is another year? I'm hoping for 'Hotel California'. That shit is my JAM.

[elpollodiablo]

Oh hey bathos

[eula]

We broke up

No period as per audsemfester.

[Black Amnesia of Heaven]

She is from rural Northern California.

Nevada City! I was roommates with a guy from Nevada City once. Libertarian.

[alistarr*]

i can't believe i just sat through two pages of that shit. i hope someone enjoyed it.

[milly balgeary]

I ain't gonna read all that, I just wanna let everyone know that I've applied to be an offiical NY indie metal dude. I just have to pass a couple tests and then go before a board of snappily dressed guys with Italian scarves who are eating scones and doin sums on little calculators, with 10-key expertise, as they "run the numbers". It's going to be tough but fair, like the NY skyline.

[Babar]

tl;dr - the songs are not metal