What Is the Best Cheese?

[kyle]

I am making shells and cheese right now. It will be delicious.

[davy]

Grilled Cheese "birthday cake"

My 32nd birthday just got awesomer.

[Dick]

One time in high school, my friend and I wanted to make nachos, but we didn't have any tortilla chips, and we didn't have any cheese except individually-wrapped sub-Kraft American cheese.  So we melted the slices on saltines, spooned some salsa over them, and referred to them as "scumchos". 

I kinda grew to love the taste of them, and still make scumchos from time to time.  Not as often as I make nachos, but still, I do enjoy them.

Have you ever gotten the really really cheap generic individually-wrapped slices though?  I mean, I grew up dirt poor, we're talking the store brand in the cheapest store in town cheap.  You'd have an easier time melting the wrapper than the cheese, there's just something wrong with that shit.  I mean, it is not food.

And man you know when you ain't got no money for food there is nothing you want more than to just eat blocks and blocks of cheese, but that shit is just like the fucking grocery getting real personal, just getting right up in your face and saying fuck you. 

I used to portion myself out slices of cheese per day, or else I would eat it all real fast and feel bad and embarrassed when my dad would be all what happened to that cheese that I bought 6 hours ago.  So I would limit myself to one slice of cheese per day, divide the slice into quarters which is a size that conveniently fits on a saltine.  I would then cover that saltine and cheese in mustard, cap it with another saltine and eat my world-famous Church Food Pantry Mini Cheese Sandwiches.

[jebreject]

I relate to that anecdote.

[fishjim]

When I worked in a cafe years ago, a co-worker made a crack about Havarti, saying it sounded like a Swedish laugh if you repeated it fast: Havarti Havarti Havarti!

I remember this dumb joke every time I'm buying cheese. It's like an earworm that won't die.

[clare]

Have you ever gotten the really really cheap generic individually-wrapped slices though?  I mean, I grew up dirt poor, we're talking the store brand in the cheapest store in town cheap.  You'd have an easier time melting the wrapper than the cheese, there's just something wrong with that shit.  I mean, it is not food.

That is known as 'plastic cheese' here, and yeah, it's your generic cheapo cheese-subsititute for when you're feeding people on such a tight budget, or with such underdeveloped palates that it's deemed not to matter that it tastes like shit. Generic cheese here is yellow and firm, and is called 'tasty'. I think it's theoretically a cheddar, but without the grunt. It's pretty inoffensive, but also unexciting. The bloke's in Chicago, so I can't ask him for his comparisons.

[davy]

Is "American" cheese not a thing outside of America?

[alistarr*]

only really in "american" themed restaurants (hard rock cafe, etc). affectionately known as plastic cheese or fake cheese here if you buy it in single slices from the supermarket, but probably labeled as something like "cheese food slices" or whatever.

[ellaguru]

You can get cheese slices here. Kraft singles or something, I don't know who would make them. I didn't know that was what "American cheese" was, although I'd heard the term before.

[jm]

Yeah, generally if it's yellow and made by Kraft (incl. Velveeta), it's considered "American" cheese.  But like Jim says, there is a kind of American cheese far superior to the Velveetas et al., found in delis and whatnot.

[clare]

American cheese is the most extraordinary colour though! UKers: think Red Leicester. It's not cheese coloured at all, or you can get jack which is white...it's one of those weird culture shocks. The key word in plastic cheese is 'processed'. Pressurised canned cheese.

[jm]

I'm not gonna lie, I grew up on grilled cheeses made with Velveeta (from the big yellow block) and Campbells tomato soup.  That shit was delicious.

But this, man:

One time in high school, my friend and I wanted to make nachos, but we didn't have any tortilla chips, and we didn't have any cheese except individually-wrapped sub-Kraft American cheese.  So we melted the slices on saltines, spooned some salsa over them, and referred to them as "scumchos". 

I kinda grew to love the taste of them, and still make scumchos from time to time.  Not as often as I make nachos, but still, I do enjoy them.

I think I have finally found someone who enjoys food (where "food" = anything that can be ingested without it immediately killing you) more than me.  Kudos, man.

[davy]

scumchos, hahaha

[Greg Nog]

My lady just bought a whole bunch of cheese for us to have for dinner on Saturday night, and mentioned "I also got you some brie, my little housewife!"

[clare]

I'm not gonna lie, I grew up on grilled cheeses made with Velveeta (from the big yellow block) and Campbells tomato soup.  That shit was delicious.

My memory of this stuff (which was just called Kraft processed cheddar here I think) is that it would bubble up and get weird blackened patches on it when you tried to grill it, rather than melting in a satisfyingly cheesy way.

[jm]

huh, weird!  My experience is that it is the single most evenly-melty "cheese" one can find.  Like, goes from solid to goo in a short time, with no lumps or stringyness or burntness.

[Anne the Man]

I voted cheddar, because it's the one I use most and need most, but I wanted to vote for feta, haloumi and cumin havarti as well. ONE CHEESE, you are indeed crazy. I like camembert alright, but not always. I've only recently expanded my cheese palate beyond cheddar and feta, but I would've come to haloumi much ssoner if it'd been offered. Cheese is largely the reason I will never become vegan.

[fishjim]

Cheese is largely the reason I will never become vegan.

"Cheese is the reason."

I'm stealing this.

[alistarr*]

My memory of this stuff (which was just called Kraft processed cheddar here I think) is that it would bubble up and get weird blackened patches on it when you tried to grill it, rather than melting in a satisfyingly cheesy way.

one of the things i never appreciated enough as a child and now hunger for desperately whenever i think about it is my dad's cheese on toast, which had blackened patches all over it. grate up some cheddar, stir in a splash or two of milk and a dollop of mustard, maybe a bit of salt/pepper, then mush it all together with a fork before putting on the untoasted side of grilled bread and grilling until you have melty goo dotted with one or two gently bubbling black circles. really good. when i was little i was all like "no way i get way less cheese that way" (and that may well ahve been the reason the recipe exists) but now when i think about it i know that it was really tasty.

[jm]

Cheese is largely the reason I will never become vegan.

hell yeah

[alistarr*]

enjoy your torture burgers, jerks.

[jm]

I will, thank you!