More Sadness

[alistarr*]

One of our cats got hit by a car and killed on Wednesday, and since then I've been switching between trying to be as supportive as possible for my girl - who is, externally at least, handling this far worse than me - and just struggling to come to terms with it myself. We've been talking about her and digging out pictures to remind ourselves that she was a happy cat and her whole life isn't defined by this one moment, and that no matter how awful it was for her she's dead now, and doubt and guilt and sadness are all totally normal, and there's nothing to be done, and this will always be sad but eventually we'll be able to somehow assimilate it into our lives and not have to keep thinking about it all the time, but it's hard all the same. None of that stuff really feels like it helps anything - why would it, when the problem is something so irreversible?

I keep thinking about her little dead body and how it can't possibly be true and it must have been some other cat we found and she will just come trotting back round the corner shouting for her dinner any time soon, because it doesn't make any sense that she'd be dead, or that she would have even been roaming as far away as where they found her anyway. Every time I stop doing something I have to remember that Zooey's dead, and remember how she looked and imagine how she must have felt, and I feel sick and hollow and my body just doesn't feel right. And it constantly feels wrong that we're carrying on with our lives now just the same way as we did before - everything feels wrong and there's nothing to be done to fix it.

She was a friendly cat who was rubbish at hunting and never sat still for long unless she was pretending to be relaxed and watching to see if we were paying her any attention. When we got her she was tiny and timid and recently she had become the boss of the house. She had very soft fur and she talked all the time - chirping and squeaking when she wanted something and yowling from the next room when she realised nobody had followed her - and she purred like a motorbike whenever she was near people. And she deserves to be alive and jumping on windowsills and playing with bubbles on the bathroom floor right now, but all I can give her is this post, and to say that I loved her even though I never wanted any pets and I hope we did a good job of looking after her while we could.

[edison]

Oh no 

Sorry, al, that is heartbreaking.

[alex]

I'm so sorry, Alistair.

[mixed cats]

Oh, that's terrible. I'm so sorry.

[jess]

So sorry for you both. Sounds like she had a great life with you and was a happy and loved cat.

[Greg Nog]

oh my god, I'm so sorry.

[hannah]

I am so, so very sorry.

[G.C.R]

So many hugs to you, Alistair. That is awful, awful news.

[clare]

Bugger. Losing the furry ones is always hard.  :-(

[jebreject]

Sorry to hear about this, Al. Hope you guys are holding up okay.

[Anne the Man]

Oh man, that's hard. I'm sorry, Alistair.

[nonotyet]

Started crying on the bus into work this morning, couldn't figure out why, and then I remembered:

Walker-Horne, Judy

MADISON - Judy Walker-Horne, age 61, of Madison, passed away on Friday, June 9, 2006, at home, surrounded by her family, after a courageous battle with lung cancer. She was born on Sept. 11, 1944, in Madison, to Jerome and Eleanor (Bowles) Walker. Judy graduated from Madison West High School. She married Donald Horne on Oct. 27, 1978, in Madison. Judy was an avid gardener, and loved working and spending time in her yard. She especially enjoyed her trips to the arboretum, traveling local country roads, spending time on the front porch and talking with friends and neighbors. Judy was very loving and compassionate, and her family was her life. She is survived by her husband, Donnie; three children, Sarah, Emily and Ben; two sisters, Mary Ellen Fleming and Patty Walker; and several aunts, nieces, nephews and friends. Judy was preceded in death by her parents. A celebration of life memorial service will be held at OLBRICH BOTANICAL GARDENS, 3330 Atwood Ave., Madison, at 2 p.m. on Tuesday, June 13, 2006. A memorial gathering will be at Olbrich from 1 p.m. until the time of the service. Memorials may be made to the American Lung Association. The family would like to extend a special thanks to the staff at HospiceCare for their care and compassion. Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there, I do not sleep I am a thousand winds that blow I am the diamond's glint on snow I am the sunlight on ripened grain I am the gentle autumn's rain. Do not stand at my grave and cry I am not there, I did not die. Gunderson East Funeral & Cremation Centers 5203 Monona Drive (608) 221-5420

It's like my brain remembers every year, even though we don't do anything on the death anniversary. It's like the sky gets a certain precise blue and my brain takes me exactly where I was seven years ago and I need a fucking redirect because I can't think about this all day, but I just sat here for five minutes crying at my desk. I miss her so much. Today is going to be really hard.

[davy]

 

[peacocks]

Now I'm crying!    feel better lady.

[jebreject]

Echoing the

[Anne the Man]

Much love, Sarah. Thinking of you.