Favorite jokes

[Greg Nog]

In hopes of killing off the other thread, let us start a new one.

Personally, I like pun-based jokes.  I fully realize this will put me in the position of "That Creepy Uncle" someday, but I take solace in knowing that my fixation is shared by such great minds as Shakespeare and James Joyce.

For my money, there's no greater humor than:

"Hooker?  I barely TOUCHED 'er!"

[SPACERACE]

The whale joke is used by me at least once a day at this point, so it's firmly my favorite joke. It's followed by

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because I fucking kicked it.

[Maaik]

The foreman of a new block of flats going up in North London was keeping an eye out for new hires.  One morning, a scroungy looking man approaches the site and asks if there is any work available.  The foreman scoffs "mate, you don't look as if you know the difference between a crane and a joist."

"Oh sure I do," the man replies, "one wrote Red Badge of Courage, the other wrote Ulysses."

[ewige]

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

[stephanie]

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

So, this totally made me laugh out loud.  Huge fan of the simple, un pulpito-stylee cute-funny.

Also puppies.

And kittens.

[jebreject]

Forgive me if we've used this one already, I've forgotten.

What do you call a short psychic on the run from the law?

A small medium at large.

[elpollodiablo]

"There's these three statisticians gone duck hunting," he said. He paused. "They're like statisticians by trade."
"I'm with you so far."
"And they gone off duck hunting, and they're hunkered down in the muck of a duck blind, for hunting, in waders and hats and all, your top-of-the-line Winchester double-aughts, so on. And they're quacking into one of them kazoos duck hunters always quack into."
"Duck calls," I said.
"There you go." Stice tried to nod against the window. "Well and here comes this one duck come flying on by overhead."
"Their quarry. The object of their being out there."
"Damn straight, their raisin-debt and what have you, and they're getting set to blast the son of a whore into feathers and goo," Stice said. "And the first statistician, he brings up his Winnie and lets go, and the recoil goes and knocks him back on his ass kersplat in the muck, but he's missed the duck, just low, they saw. And so the second statistician he up and fires then, and back he goes too on his ass too, these Winnies got a fucker of a recoil on them, and back on his ass the second one goes, from firing, and they see his shot goes just high."
"Misses the duck as well."
"Misees her just high. At which and then the third statistician commences to whooping and jumping up and down to beat the band, hollering, "We got him, boys, we done got him!"

[Throoper]

A man walks into a doctor's office and sees a man standing in the middle of the room shouting, "Flu! Measles! Polio! Chicken Pox!"

He continues to the front desk and asks the woman sitting there, "Who is that?"

She replies, "Oh, that's the doctor. He calls the shots around here."

[nati1107]

A man walks into a doctor's office and sees a man standing in the middle of the room shouting, "Flu! Measles! Polio! Chicken Pox!"

He continues to the front desk and asks the woman sitting there, "Who is that?"

She replies, "Oh, that's the doctor. He calls the shots around here."

i was laughing so hard i almost fell off my bed!

[heather marie]

A man walks into a doctor's office and sees a man standing in the middle of the room shouting, "Flu! Measles! Polio! Chicken Pox!"

He continues to the front desk and asks the woman sitting there, "Who is that?"

She replies, "Oh, that's the doctor. He calls the shots around here."

i was laughing so hard i almost fell off my bed!

i hope you weren't jumping while reading it. that'd be bad.

[Maaik]

This thread is the funniest joke I've read in a while.

[coldforge]

So. How many Mensheviks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None! The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution!

[ewige]

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

[Greg Nog]

This thread is the funniest joke I've read in a while.

That was AWESOME.

And now, a joke:

Two atoms are walking down the street.  One of 'em's like, "Oh, hold up.  I just lost an electron."  The other atom says, "Are you sure?" and he's like, "Yeah, I'm positive."

[ewige]

ono, not physics jokes.

Q: Why won't Heisenbergs' operators live in the suburbs?

A: They don't commute.

better yet:

A neutron walks into a bar and says, "Hey, how much for a beer?" To which the barkeep replies, "For you? No charge."

[Maaik]

This has to be told in ze heavy German accent:

Zer ver two peanuts valking in ze voods, und one was...ASSAULTED!

[Andrew_TSKS]

godheadsilo had a song called "two peanuts are walking down the street" and i've always wondered what the punchline of that joke was (the song is instrumental). thanks myke for enlightening me.

[old kentucky shark]

A man goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him he's dying.

The man says "I want a second opinion."

The doctor gives him the name and number of a specialist in the type of cancer with which the man has been diagnosed.











sorry this joke was plagiarized

[stephanie]

Far too depressing, but for those of you who enjoy the gallows humour:

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2004/10/22richter.html

[old kentucky shark]

Oh man!

That's where those are. I've been looking for those.

so great

[jebreject]

And now, a joke:

Two atoms are walking down the street.  One of 'em's like, "Oh, hold up.  I just lost an electron."  The other atom says, "Are you sure?" and he's like, "Yeah, I'm positive."

A few years back, my friend Marty made up what may be the worst/best joke that works along these same lines:

Hey, have you heard about that new Jimmy Neutron movie?  There's no charge!

EDIT:  oh shit fuck crap, i didn't see ewige's post, which was the same goddamn joke. oh well.

[old kentucky shark]

Say jokester, why do kangaroos hop around so much

Well straightman, you might say it's their modus hoparoundi

[old kentucky shark]

I italicized the punchline so you wouldn't miss it!

[El_Josharino]

I'm gonna necro this thing because it's the first joke thread I found. I heard this one today and like it a lot:

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The next one orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer. The fifth orders a sixteenth of a beer. The bartenders stops them and says, "You guys are idiots" and pours them 2 beers.

[diesel_powered]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says:

"What is this? Some kind of joke?"