Favorite jokes

[elpollodiablo]

What's red and smells like blue paint?



Red paint!

[hannah]

what's Barack and Wright and Reid all over?

I don't know I just made this shit up

[lastclearchance]

a favorite of mine, from a friend, though it's hard to type out:

"a big cat and a little cat are sitting on a sloped roof. Which one falls off first?

the big cat because it has a lower µ"

[Nick Ink]

Personally, I like pun-based jokes.  

So, a bloke takes his dog to the vet's. The dog's been a bit under the weather for a while now, moping around the house, turning his nose up at all his favourite foods, generally looking pretty baleful, and although he looks okay physically, the guy really loves his hound and thinks it safest to get him checked over.

Anyway, so his turn comes to go in and the vet tells him to put his dog up on the examinating table. There's a slightly awkward silence in which the vet appears to be kind of ignoring the man and his dog, and our guy is just about to say something when the vet turns round and gives a long, shrill whistle. This, it turns out, is the signal for a small ginger cat to nudge the door to the surgery open, pad across the floor, hop up onto the table and proceed to sniff the dog inquisitively, from head to toe and back again, before dropping back to the floor, mewing a few times in the direction of the vet and exiting the room with its tail held stiffly aloft.

'I'm really very sorry to have to say this, Mr.Wells', the vet aounces solemnly, 'but there's really nothing we can do for her...I am terribly sorry'. Well, the man is understandably incredulous, and not a little angry.
'What on earth are you talking about?!' he cries, 'You've hardly looked at her! Aren't you going to take some X-rays or something?'
'I appreciate this must come as a shock, Mr.Wells'
'No, no, no, this is absolutely outrageous! I demand a second opinion!'

Well, the vet isn't keen but eventually relents and agrees to the man's demand. Putting his fingers to his lips, he suddenly lets rip with a much louder, looping whistle, and this time, to the man's increasing dismay, a Golden Labrador bursts enthusiastically through the door, wagging its tail vigorously. Just like the cat, he bounds up onto the table and gives the patient a thorough sniffing, before expertly hopping down again, barking a few times and trotting back out of the room.

'So, once again Mr.Wells, I would like to say that I do understand how difficult this is, but there really isn't anything we can do. It's too advanced. I'm sorry.'

By this stage, Wells is in a state of stunned silence and the vet guides him to a chair so he can sit down and absorb the news.

After about 10 minutes, the man emerges back into the Reception area, still looking a bit dazed, and approaches the woman at the desk.
'Er, hello, I'd like to settle up please...it's, er, Mr.Wells...I've just...er, my dog's just....'
'Ah yes, Mr.Wells', replies the woman cheerfully, tapping away at her computer keyboard. 'I've got all your information here, sir. That will be £1,490 pounds please. How would you like to pay?'
'Er, I'm sorry, how much did you say?'
'£1,490'
'No, there's some mistake, I was only in there 20 minutes. He just...'
'I'm sorry sir, there's no mistake'
Getting to the end of his tether now, the man shouts out in exasperation, 'But how on earth could it be that much!?'


The woman checks her screen for the information, 'Well sir....


....it's forty pounds for the consultation, one thousand two hundred for the cat scan, and two hundred and fifty pounds for the lab tests'

[Ignatius]

Also, check out The Various Lives of Keats and Chapman, if you get a chance. It's a collection of extremely contrived and awful puns, by Flann O'Brien, a master of the form. It is great.

[alex]

Is it about a bicycle?

[Ignatius]

No, nor is it "the perfect book to buy your sister if she's a boozy, dirty girl" (Dylan Thomas' quote on the cover of At Swim Two Birds). It is certainly not the feather in Flann O'Brien's literary cap. But it's hilarious if you like stupid puns!

[Maaik]

A horse walks into a bar.  Bartender says "hey, why the long face?"  Horse says "I have cancer."

[Andrew_TSKS]

Let me just respond to Nick's joke above with the phrase "A prod is as good as a blink to a shined Morse."

[slow west vultures]

a favorite of mine, from a friend, though it's hard to type out:

"a big cat and a little cat are sitting on a sloped roof. Which one falls off first?

the big cat because it has a lower µ"

i don't get this joke, but let me respond with another cat based physics joke

one day in high school physics class our teacher was demonstrating how you could positively charge a piece of plastic with cat fur.  my friend raised his hand and asked the teacher "so, would you say that plastic rod is now charged with cations?"

i think because we were all delerious with our super evil physics final project, and because we all kind of disliked our teacher, the whole class erupted in laughter, much to the puzzlement of our teacher. 

[theartlessmonster]

One day in a small ice encrusted town in the dead of winter, a moron wakes and decides "I want to go ice fishing today!"  He grabs his gear and heads on out.  He's very excited and starts to chip away and make a hole in the ice.  All of sudden he hears a loud authorative voice in his head "DON'T MAKE HOLES IN THE ICE".  He's stunned!  He looks around then thinks it must have been his imagination so he starts in again making another hole.  "HELLO! DON'T MAKE HOLES IN THE ICE" . He looks up confused and yells "THIS IS RICOCKULUS!!! WHAT IS THE PROBLEM, I JUST WANT TO FISH, WAIT, IS THAT YOU GOD SPEAKING?  GOD? I'M CONFUSED"  the voice answers back. "THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK, DON'T NOW DON'T MAKE HOLES IN THE ICE"!!

[Doctor Bob]

No, nor is it "the perfect book to buy your sister if she's a boozy, dirty girl" (Dylan Thomas' quote on the cover of At Swim Two Birds). It is certainly not the feather in Flann O'Brien's literary cap. But it's hilarious if you like stupid puns!

Perhaps not the feather, but certainly a feather.

If anyone's interested, The Best of Myles by Flann O'Brien contains all of Keats & Chapman, plus a lot more goodness, including the classic article on the professional book reading service (basic service is to break the spine and turn down a few page corners for you; more costly ones include inscribing marginalia such as 'I can't agree!'), pieces on The Brother, and buckets more.  My favourite Keats & Chapman story is the one about travelling on the steamer to India, but it requires knowledge of the rest of them to be fully appreciated.  I will probably be able to hear your groans from here.

[sashwap]

I'm gonna necro this thing because it's the first joke thread I found. I heard this one today and like it a lot:

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The next one orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer. The fifth orders a sixteenth of a beer. The bartenders stops them and says, "You guys are idiots" and pours them 2 beers.

that's awesome

[sashwap]

so there are two muffins in an oven. one looks over to the other and says, "man...it's hot in here!" the other muffin says "A TALKING MUFFIN!!!?  "

[lastclearchance]

a favorite of mine, from a friend, though it's hard to type out:

"a big cat and a little cat are sitting on a sloped roof. Which one falls off first?

the big cat because it has a lower µ"

i don't get this joke, but let me respond with another cat based physics joke

one day in high school physics class our teacher was demonstrating how you could positively charge a piece of plastic with cat fur.  my friend raised his hand and asked the teacher "so, would you say that plastic rod is now charged with cations?"

i think because we were all delerious with our super evil physics final project, and because we all kind of disliked our teacher, the whole class erupted in laughter, much to the puzzlement of our teacher. 

i probably should have written "because it has a lower mew." i never know how to tell that one in text.

[plainenglish]

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!



What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

[Maaik]

One of my all-time favorites, which Aglaya isn't around to tell:

What's red and not there?

...No tomatoes.

[Antero]

So there are two penguins in an elevator.  They're going up to the 25th floor - it's a pretty tall building, right, and penguins so they aren't much for stairs so elevator it is.  The penguins are standing there, watching the floor numbers light up as they go up in the elevator, when one penguin turns and looks at the other.

"Hey, you know what," he says, "It looks like we're wearing tuxedos."  The other penguin looks back at him, and says,

"How do you know I'm not?"

so there are two muffins in an oven. one looks over to the other and says, "man...it's hot in here!" the other muffin says "A TALKING MUFFIN!!!?  "

This is my father's favorite joke.  I've heard him tell it dozens of times.  He always starts laughing when he gets to the punchline.  He's not very good at telling jokes, but he enjoys it so much that I guess it's all good.

[Ignatius]

That's my favorite joke, too, but whenever I hear someone tell it, they try to jazz it up with big cursewords.

[Antero]

Bad form.  You don't want to dissipate the surprise by hollering cusses.

[sashwap]

Q: what is a cannibal's favorite sport?

A: canniball

Q: what is a vampire's favorite sport?

A: vampire sport #3

[Ignatius]

Bad form.  You don't want to dissipate the surprise by hollering cusses.

You know how old guys can be. If a joke isn't about blowjobs or something, they have to make it inappropriate some other way.

[G.C.R]

One of my all-time favorites, which Aglaya isn't around to tell:

What's red and not there?

...No tomatoes.

Where did she go, anyway? I love this joke, and also your terrible one about the horse.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

What's brown and sticky?
A Stick!

What's brown and sticky and taps on your window at night?
A poo on stilts!

[alex]

No, nor is it "the perfect book to buy your sister if she's a boozy, dirty girl" (Dylan Thomas' quote on the cover of At Swim Two Birds). It is certainly not the feather in Flann O'Brien's literary cap. But it's hilarious if you like stupid puns!

Perhaps not the feather, but certainly a feather.

If anyone's interested, The Best of Myles by Flann O'Brien contains all of Keats & Chapman, plus a lot more goodness, including the classic article on the professional book reading service (basic service is to break the spine and turn down a few page corners for you; more costly ones include inscribing marginalia such as 'I can't agree!'), pieces on The Brother, and buckets more.  My favourite Keats & Chapman story is the one about travelling on the steamer to India, but it requires knowledge of the rest of them to be fully appreciated.  I will probably be able to hear your groans from here.

They were moans of excitement!

(Book ordered.)

[kyle]

Q: How does the Moon trim his hedges?

A: ECLIPSES IT!

Q: What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

A: DR. DRE!!