open letters to people who won't read them

[alexandra]

Dear Newman's Own Lemonade,

Why do you have to contain high fructose corn syrup? Don't you know I don't drink that stuff? I do adore you and think you are fantastic but we seem to have different beliefs in sweeteners. Please change, it'd be best for the both of us.

sincerely,
alexandra


________________________________________________


Dear General Manager at my place of employment,

Thanks for firing that really shitty worker. So far it has made my life hell. I honestly don't mind the overtime and the double time but jesus christ, can i not be scheduled for 16 hour days? Even 14 hour shifts would be better. 12 on / 12 off? Could be fun! I would like a social life.

kthx,
alexandra

[elpollodiablo]

I've got nine pages I wrote to Bill O'Reilly in September, but I'm not sure that'd be entirely appropriate. Others have read it, though, so I suppose it is an open letter.

[Maaik]

Dear Ford Conversion Van,
YOU TOTALLY FUCKED ME LAST NIGHT AND I DON'T APPRECIATE THAT.
"Dodgy battery connection" my ass,
Myke
__________________
Dear John Vanderslice,

I like your music.  What did you think of that demo I gave you?
"Pale Horse" RULES,
Myke
___________________
Dear Stone Mountain Park, Entertainment Dept.
Thank you from the bottom of my undergraduate heart for hiring me even though I am inexperienced and mildly incompetent.  And please tell Carl that I'm not going sleep with him.  Not that I don't love him and all.  Oh, and can we somehow make the train not blow its whistle during our show?
Thanks,
Myke

[heather marie]

Dear Newman's Own Lemonade,

Why do you have to contain high fructose corn syrup? Don't you know I don't drink that stuff? I do adore you and think you are fantastic but we seem to have different beliefs in sweeteners. Please change, it'd be best for the both of us.

sincerely,
alexandra and heather marie

[FreddyKnuckles]

dear myke,
you have a conversion van, which rules.

[alexandra]

Dear John Vanderslice,

i'll be in San Jose visiting a friend for a UNIX conference between December 5th - 8th can you please play a show in San Francisco between those dates? I'd really appreciate it.



alexandra


_____________________________________

Dear Heather Marie,

you're great.


alexandra

[Maaik]

dear myke,
you have a conversion van, which rules.

Ha ha!  I totally just read that.

[DCDave]

Dear my two best friends,

You have crushes on each other, which is great!  I'm glad I introduced you so you can be all twee.  Just don't fuck it up and make me pick sides.  Because I will cut you.

-Dave

[elpollodiablo]

Dear proprietors of Main Food, our local quality Chinese cuisine establishment,

Thank you for returning after your seven month absence. The note on your door said that you had gone on vacation in early July. We were all of varying opinions as to what had happened to you, but the prevailing theory was that you had returned to your native country and subsequently been arrested and subjected to political reeducation. I am super pleased to discover that this didn't happen--or, if it did, that you are all rehabilitated and able to serve me food.
Regards,
Miles

[davy]

dear newman's own,

alexandra's right. you shouldn't use that crap to make your lemonade sweet.

YOU ALSO SHOULDN'T CUT DISTRIBUTION DEALS WITH MCDONALDS!

thanks,
davy

[John]

yeah seriously newman's own wtf is up with that shit w/b k thx bye

[stephanie]

Dear Flickr,

You are the greatest.  No, seriously.  Not only will you always provide me with a wide array of pictures of puppies, bunnies, the streets of Glasgow and/or white sand beaches in Fiji to cheer me up instantaneously, but you also have cute photos of almost every boy I've crushed on in the past 10 years.  Not to mention bazillions of memories of travels and rock shows and sleepover parties, all spread across my friends' photostreams.

Kudos!

Always a pleasure,
Stephanie

----

Dear Wikipedia,

You.
Are.
The best.  Website.  Ever.
Where else could I read a list of France's executioners AND the history of stone money AND help write/edit band biographies -- all in one place?  So great.  You aid and abet in intellectual curiosity worldwide, and there are many versions of you written in languages that make me laugh to look at when I am drunk.  But maybe I'll learn Esperanto (which I learned about from you) someday.  You never know.

Dumbly American,
Stephanie

----

Dear Midwest Airlines,

The best care in the air -- truer words have never been spoken.  I love your onboard baked chocolate chip cookies and your two-across leather seating and, although your stewards and stewardesses could use a lesson or two in snarkiness and general approachability from the folks over at Southwest, I understand that you can't be too nice because then everyone would want to move to Milwaukee because it is the best city in the universe, and people who are not from here are scary and weird, so we don't want many more of them.

Now give me more frequent flier miles, goddamnit.  I am halfway to another free plane ticket and I need to go to San Francisco.

KTHX,
Stephanie

----

Dear Providian,

I do love that 1% of the cost of my purchases is donated to my boyfriend at the DNC, but really, truly, honestly:  31.99% APR?  I know you're not kidding because I see the ungodly finance charges pile up on my monthly statements.  COME THE FUCK ON.

Hate,
Stephanie

----

Dear stomach,

I am very sorry that the only things I have eaten today are a Pot Noodle, a bag of Starmix, 5 or 6 Twizzlers and some pretzel rods.  I know you are no longer very acceptant of these things, even though you are still kind of miffed that I up and decided to be a mulch-snacking hippie one day.  I am used to being able to drive home every day and make lunch, or at the very least jet over to Panera or Outpost for some vegetarian soup.
It's just that the only things left in the vending machine are Nacho Cheesier Doritos, some multipacks of beef and cheese "snack stix" and a row of Lean Cuisine meatloaf TV dinners.  Besides, I need to save my quarters to do laundry.

Apologetically yours,
Stephanie

----

Dear bank account,

Why?

Seriously,
Stephanie

----

Dear Wendy's,

I know it's not really in your best interest to discontinue the usage of animal products, but FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY PLEASE MAKE FROSTYS VEGAN
I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO LIVE ONE MORE DAY WITHOUT THE FRENCH FRY/FROSTY COMBO
I JUST
CAN'T
DO IT

Desperately,
Stephanie

----

Dear Tom Barnes,

...


...

Yeah, okay.  I'm really drawing a blank here.

So here:  I wish I could say how much your songs mean to me.  I wish I could bake you cookies and give you a bouquet of flowers in a feeble attempt to express it in actions and not clumsy words.  I wish you all the good things.  And while I selfishly hope that you eventually decide to make music again, I hope you're super content and happy either way.

Very sincerely yours,
Stephanie M.

----

Dear E,

We miss you, down here.  Just so you know.

Love,
S.

[alexandra]

dear This apartment building,

i would really like to move into you. can you please please please stay availible until february 1st? i know it's asking a lot but i honestly believe that we would be a perfect match. while you're at it can you please tell kristy that, you will be ours 4eva? if you let me move in, i will provide shelter to touring bands and cook really good food in you. I will also paint and decorate you in ways you would never believe. we would have a really fantastic time.

yours,
alexandra


___

dear tmobile,

why must you delete my voicemail messages after 30 days? i had some really choice messages that would have liked to keep for awhile. you could at least warn me that i'll never hear them again before deleting them. stop sucking.

angry and bitter,
a.k.

[FreddyKnuckles]

dear solid white albacore
thank you so much for being delicious with mayo, salt, and store-brand hot sauce.

[Greg Nog]

Dear solid white albacore,

I would like to echo Freddy's words, and also ask that you have millions of babies with me.  I love you.

-Your Secret Admirer

[heather]

dear tmobile,

why must you delete my voicemail messages after 30 days? i had some really choice messages that would have liked to keep for awhile. you could at least warn me that i'll never hear them again before deleting them. stop sucking.

angry and bitter,
a.k. and heather

dear TMM,

this non-flirting flirting has to end. the whole sitch is getting too twee for me. that's right! i said it. TOO FUCKING TWEE. either stop using your dry wit and beardly charms to make me swoon or i'm going to stab you.

always,
h.

[heather marie]

dear everyone who has posted in this thread,

i love you. this shit has brightened my day. really.

love,
heather marie

**

dear crushboy,

stop being so goddamn crushworthy, please?

**

dear andrew bird,

i think we should get it on. no, for real.

**

dear place of employment,

give me a fucking raise so i can pay off my credit cards and then be able to be in seattle on january 17th. thx.

**

dear supertarget,

can't you just send the groceries to me? i don't feel like driving today, but i need orange juice and bagels and theraflu and blistex lip infusion and raspberries and supplies to make cheesecake with. thanks.

**

dear joaquin phoenix,

you are a vegan! i did not know that. this is what happens when i read imdb.com trivia all day. for the reason alone, i think we should get married. sure, i like me some tall menz, but i can handle you. i'll bake you a vegan cheesecake and i won't ask you about river, i promise.

[heather marie]

p.s. stephanie, when i was vegan and i wanted to cure my frosty jones, i took chocolate soymilk and chocolate soy ice cream and put very little soymilk in it so it got thick. it was the best imitation frosty i could've asked for.

[alexandra]

Dear one of my favorite bands that keeps sliding off the earth, Aveo,

i love you guys with a burning loinial(?) passion. i adore your records, can you please tour some more and make more music because i would single-handedly buy everything and go to all the west coast shows. Please don't make me stalk you. I don't want to have to come to Seattle and kick you guys in the shins to get you back in the studio or back on the stage. seriously. you're great. i mean it. don't make me sad. i'm not very good at being emo. (omg i love how each instrument sounds in every song and on both albums!)

harf!
alexandra

[FreddyKnuckles]

dear annoying drunk girl who I don't know who keeps calling me from the dorms:

I didn't prank call you earlier today, like you seem to be asserting, I have no idea what you are talking about.  Please stop having your male friend jake threaten me.  I don't know what you're talking about.

[rockmeamadeus]

Dear Joaquin Phoenix,
Heather Marie is really a prawn, so I think you ought to date me, instead. Because you are teh awesome.

Love, Blake

-----

Dear VH1,
I hate you. Really, I do. I wake up at 7 am before high school to watch music videos, and all you play me is SHIT. Why do I comtinue to be so devoted?

Sincerly, teenager Blake

------------

Dear next door neighbor,
A violin and a fiddle are, indeed, two different things. If you insist on continuing to play your violin by rubbing kittens all over the strings so that their cries of agony resonate throughout my bedroom at inopportune times of the evening ie. when I'm trying to get my freak on. I love the violin dearly, and you are doing your best to butched the instrument. It'd be different if you were a child, or an adult in the learning stages. But you have been taking lessons for 5 years and I think I hate you more than VH1. Die, please. Thanks!

-Blake

--------------

Dear Jolie,
You were the prettiest girl I ever saw in my entire life, and I loved you dearly and with an innocence impossible now that I've been hurt a few times. Godamn, you were the best thing ever.

from, a younger better looking more charming less hurt and very in love Blake

-----------

Dear Stephanie,
Your letter to your bank account made me frown but the adorableness of it makes me want to give you many hugs. You have worked your way into my favorite peeps of all time list... the certificate is in the mail.

-Blake

--------

Dear Hudie Ledbetter,
I love you I love you I love you I love you. Forever.

Love,
Blake

[polkadotchickens]

kara stephanie,
mi esperas ke vi lernos paroli esperante.  lernu! will help.

-----------------------------------------------------------
dear sky,
why did you decieve me today when i left campus?  why?  you were dropping nothing but a light drizzle until i reached the point of no return and no shelter, when all of a sudden you thought it would be a good idea to OPEN THE FUCK UP.  i dont' appreciate that kind of behavior.  i don't enjoy wringing out my shoes.

-----------------------------------------------------------
dear jelly belly,
why do you make buttered popcorn jellybeans?  you could grab a handful of jelly belly assorteds and just eat them all at once in a taste explosion of deliciousness, except for those dastardly little yellow and white ones.  buttered popcorn jellybeans are just nasty.  please stop.

[Wally]

Dear man at post office

Thank you for not laughing when I told you what was in the parcels, and when I fell over the dog and banged my bum on the floor. You are very cute, when you divorce wour wife, I will do anything you ask.

lots of love
the guy who fell over in the post office

------
Dear needles

Please stop pricking me, I only have so much blood.

thanks
Dom

------
Dear Raj and Sarah
I miss you both a lot, I don't call because it hurts not to be able to see you. I will come down to see you soon and it'll be awesome.

love Dom

-----
Dear South Bank university nursing department admissions office

Let me in. I will not kill anyone, and I will not steal any drugs.

yours sincerly Dominic P Hildreth

-----

[hannah]

Dear needles

Please stop pricking me, I only have so much blood.

thanks
Dom

Dear Dom,

This made me laugh. I am tempted to make a joke about you pricking me, but I think I will leave it at that.

prickily yours,
Hannah

[RavingLunatic]

dear jelly belly,
why do you make buttered popcorn jellybeans?  .

Because they're awesome!