Depression thread

[Chet]

It's a year ago almost to the hour when I made the first of like three serious attempts to take my own life.

Look at me now!

I can't believe how much better i'm doing. Looking back on that time is so surreal. It's like having the memories of a different person. Also, when I was in the worst of my depression, it felt like such a long time and that it would last forever, but it was only four or five months.

I am very happy to be alive.

[Thermofusion]

You ma boy, Chet! Nice!

[peacocks]

I'm really super psyched that you made it through and that you're still here, still posting and doing awesome! 

[jm]

Dude, Chet!  That really makes me happy, man.  Hell of cheers to you!

[G.C.R]

Chet, for real, I think moving to a place in life where you no longer feel so awful you want to do that is the hardest, best, most amazing work someone can do in their lives. I can't downplay how fucking proud you should be of yourself. Well done.

[Chet]

Thanks guys,

I appreciated all the good will and kindess y'all showed me when I decided to talk up about what I was going through, and I appreciate it now.

LOVE.

[Thermofusion]

Let's play a celebratory match of FIFA soon, my dogg!

[Chet]

4 real dogg. Set a date.

[jebreject]

Chet, for real, I think moving to a place in life where you no longer feel so awful you want to do that is the hardest, best, most amazing work someone can do in their lives. I can't downplay how fucking proud you should be of yourself. Well done.

Seriously.

Stay strong, Chet.

[Thermofusion]

4 real dogg. Set a date.

Tomorrow mane, I'll set aside some time 4 dat shit.

[Chet]

cant do tomorrow man, got an essay due weds.

THURS NIGHT.

edit or like weds night i guess.

[Em]

I made a "Woo!" post and now I belong back in this thread big time. Actually, I belong in the depression --> mania -- > mixed episode, all in a week and a half thread. Helped along on my end by a night of whisky drinking, which is a serious no-no for me (extenuating circumstances: having not felt safe at home the previous night, I had simply walked until it was daytime, and my muscles were too sore to do that the next night, so whisky somehow made sense. I slept in the bathtub that second night.)

Sorry to overshare, but lemme just get it off my chest that while I think I am doing a slightly better job of dealing with my extremely high energy level plus sense of despair/impending doom, I am now irritatingly permanently scarred from knife wounds and bad burns, haven't slept since Friday, and can't eat much of anything (I've lost over nine pounds this week).

On the trying-to-look-at-the-bright-side, I really worked hard to stay connected and not fall off the grid (which is my usual M.O.), going to yoga every day and attempting to socialize with my yoga peeps even in my sort of pitiful and probably obnoxious condition (the folks at work told me to go away until I was better, in the nicest way possible). I was a little reluctant to show my face anywhere at first because I know depressed and manic people can be obnoxious and I really, really didn't want to burn bridges with relatively new friends, but guess what? Turns out that without even realizing it I've developed a pretty awesome network of incredibly kind, generous, supportive, even loving people who have totally been there for me in more ways than I could have asked for. So there's that.

[peacocks]

Em that sounds really serious. You sound calm in this post though, I hope you are and that things start easing up for you....right now. Urgently! Love and hugs. I'm glad you have yoga and good friends!

[Em]

Thanks peacocks. I am actually totally AMPED and completely WIRED but the ability to edit what comes out when you type far exceeds the ability to edit what comes out when you speak, so it is easy to seem a little calmer on the internet. In real life my thoughts are moving so fast that it's hard to grab any one of them long enough to spit it out! I'm not gonna lie, it's a tiny bit fun in like the most dreadful way possible.

[clare]

Wow, Em that sounds pretty hardcore. I'm glad you've got a good network to keep your feet somewhat tethered to the ground.

[jebreject]

Em, are you currently in therapy? Do you have a professional you can call when you feel like hurting yourself?

[Em]

Jeb, I have been seeing my psychiatrist once a month, mostly for medication check-ins, but we talk, too. I was doing well enough that that frequency was working out okay. I can call him, but at night or on a weekend he won't call me back for a long time, which leaves me with few palatable options.

P.S. UPDATE: He did return my message last night but I missed the call so I got a voicemail recommending that just for the night I try taking an extra milligram of clonazepam. This resulted in 30 minutes of sleep. Which is progress. But you know, that's total. Since Friday. Hmmm.

Double edit: I am positive that that is actually physically impossible and I must have closed my eyes for ten minutes here or there but I sure don't remember doing it.

[Chet]

Is there no way in the States to get more regular help? Here we have all sorts. When I was going through super rough times, and after I tried to off myself, I was referred to what is called the Crisis Resolution Home Treatment Team. They visit people in their homes (which is handy if you are so anxious that you can't leave the house) who are having a major mental health crisis, and offer support and things like CBT, and generally just check in to see if everything is okay and nothing bad is going to happen. This can go on for upto a few weeks. Then there is a level below that called the Community Mental Health Team, who offer on going long term support to get you back to good health and refer you on to other services for long term counselling etc.

It may be worth checking with you GP to see if there are any relevant services that you can be referred to. There should be, after all isn't the NHS archaic and responsible for millions of deaths a year?

Anyway, I do hope you get the help you need soon.

Also, I know I am stating the obvious, but please do consider giving someone a call next time you feel like harming yourself. Maybe even the samaritans, if they operate in the US? (i know from experience that this is easier said then done). At the very least, just come and post here or fire one of us a PM or email. We all care and wish you the very best!

[peacocks]

ditto what chet said. I haven't heard of such a team but that sounds really wonderful. The only thing anyone ever told me when I called a crisis hotline was that they could send a police officer to check on the person who was having a hard time and that seemed like it would only do more harm than good at the time. A normal, non uniformed, person who is a volunteer or expert would be much less jarring.

[Em]

Hmm, I don't know of any services like that, but to be frank, even if I did I probably wouldn't use 'em. I suck big time at asking for help. I need to work on it.

At any rate, saw the doctor today and he gave me the options of a) going to the hospital or b) making some drastic medication changes and agreeing to call him at an appointed time every day until our next appointment (next week). Obviously I chose the latter option. So I now have, among other things, enough tranquilizers to put down a small elephant, or possibly--just possibly--a super manic person (at least long enough for a decent night's sleep and maybe a slightly calmer day following). I was also ordered to take off work for the next couple of days, which my boss readily agreed to--I'm stressed out over being fussed over and they're stressed out over fussing over me. So I'm going to keep busy doing my things and ride this out. Thanks for the support guys--means a lot.

[Em]

Body is calmer--getting about three hours of sleep a night (but getting up and walking around several times during those three hours). The yoga helps, the meditation helps. I'm not, uh, vibrating or pacing the floors anymore. My brain is still in overdrive though, and my speech is very pressured and I've got an embarrassing stutter as my mouth tries to keep up with my brain.

I have been sufficiently chided by my doctor about the importance of not drinking ANY, EVER ("It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility."). I mean, I already knew that and was pretty fierce about it, but hopefully this experience will sear it into my brain even more deeply. Speaking of, uh, searing, got out of the whole mess with only a few more burns, but I think they are worse than the others as they turned black and they don't hurt. I imagine I should probably see someone about that but I don't particularly want to get put on a psychiatric hold so I guess I'll just slather on the Neosporin and see how it goes. Sorry for the TMI.

On the bright side: I had a really bad manic/mixed episode and didn't a) get committed, b) get arrested, or c) sleep with anyone random! Which is definitely an improvement over some past experiences. Baby steps people.

[G.C.R]

Em, despite what has been happening to you sounding beyond scary to me, I'm really impressed with your handle on what is going on with your mind and body, like you seem to be able to articulate what is happening to you really well. i hope that doesn't sound patronising - I've just known a lot of people who denied they were anything but super great in their manic episodes. I hope it gets easier soon!

[jebreject]

Em, despite what has been happening to you sounding beyond scary to me, I'm really impressed with your handle on what is going on with your mind and body, like you seem to be able to articulate what is happening to you really well. i hope that doesn't sound patronising - I've just known a lot of people who denied they were anything but super great in their manic episodes. I hope it gets easier soon!

Yes, this.

[jebreject]

On the bright side: I had a really bad manic/mixed episode and didn't a) get committed, b) get arrested, or c) sleep with anyone random! Which is definitely an improvement over some past experiences. Baby steps people.

 

[Em]

Thanks GCR and Jeb. Truth is, it's been going on for so long--this recent stretch was the longest period of time I've been really "well" since I was diagnosed--and I've been being treated so extensively that it's easier for me to analyze what's happening a little more clinically. Also, obviously I've been posting in less "up" moments, so that helps. But thanks for the props!