Depression thread

[Ashley]

I sprained my ankle on saturday.  I have to walk a lot of places, so it kind of blows.  It blows even harder because I have to be some where every day this week, when normally I only have to be somewhere twice a week and can opt out on other days.  It, among other things, is making me feel down down down.  I wanna go to bed and maybe do some homework and be like, sorry guys, i can't come out to play.  I'm injured.

it's probably for the best though, isolatin' isn't the best idea.

[peacocks]

hope your ankle feels better. Not being able to walk sucks

[DCDave]

Not really depression, more sadness - It's been 3 years since my brother-in-law died. I just wanted to thank you guys for being there for me when I went through that shit.

Grief is weird, the way it comes and goes. I talk a lot about cancer these days as we try and figure out how our company can help people not go through the same guessing games/being in the dark/difficult communication with care teams. It's really hard not to cry when I do.

Anyway. Just wanted to say thanks dudes. I know I don't post much lately and have a tendency to troll, but you guys are really solid people and I'm glad I have the pleasure of calling a bunch of you my friends.

 

[Anne the Man]

back atcha, Dave.

[jebreject]

back atcha, Dave.

[Babar]

Not really depression, more sadness

Don't worry, of course we have a wide variety of threads with specific purposes and I did you the favor of finding it. Here you go, friend.

Of course, I hope you don't have to post in it

[Ashley]

I spent the past two weeks locked in my room.

Today I got up and got showered and put on clothes all "yeah I'm gonna be a real person again!".  But then I sat down to eat breakfast, and I felt like my clothes were all dirty, and my face was sweating, and I was really uncomfortable.  So I had to take all my clothes off.  I'll be able to get dressed later, because I have to go to class, but I'm not going to be comfortable and I'm going to want to come home as soon as possible.

I had a breakdown at school 2 weeks ago that sort of kicked this all off.  I went to the counseling centre at the school, counselor had me talk to my GP.  I ended up telling the doctor I thought I was going to hurt myself.  She just stared at me and made me feel like it was my fault I didn't have an appointment with a psychiatrist yet.  I'm starting to feel like doctors can't help me.  

I mean, I know this moment will pass.  But having to take these breaks in life is really frustrating.  It effects my ability to work, my social life, my relationship with acquaintances.  I don't know how to come back from a bad month and get past things that happened, after a year I usually just surround myself with new people.  I wish I could stop feeling like my life was such a nightmare.  

[peacocks]

Shit, I really hope you can get some help and begin to be kind to yourself. I know the feeling, when you wake up OK and then things slowly start to fall apart and you start feeling like you are being punched by your own brain.

Hang in there Ashley! You are awesome!  

ps. update on the SAM-E stuff I started taking every day in the mornings. I think it works, actually. I've been feeling much more upbeat and like myself. Being alone is easier and more fun than it used to be.

[Em]

Ashley, I hope you find some relief soon. Doctors can help you, you just have to find the right ones, and that can be hard when even doing basic things seems like a challenge. If you can, shower and get dressed as if you're going somewhere where you have to look presentable every day. That simple routine has helped me when I've been all depressed/hermit-like. Maybe even do something special for yourself -- get some bath salts, give yourself a pedicure, etc. It sounds stupid but sometimes it works.

Dont' hurt yourself. I can't actually go about telling you what to do if you really think you're going to, because whenever people have given me that advice I've ignored it. Don't do that.

Be well.

[Ashley]

Thanks peacocks and Em.  

Grooming really is a major stress reducer, if there's anything I keep on top of it's keeping my nails maintained and eyebrows plucked.  It does seem silly but when you're freaking out being able to be all "okay just focus on cleaning the nailpolish off and washing your hands and cutting your nails and rubbing moisturizer in and painting and waiting and painting and waiting again" can really help you chill out.  I think I learned this from my cats.  It gets a bit dangerous though because sometimes I end up cutting my hair.  Usually it comes out alright, but it feels a bit like ... why am I letting myself do this, haha.  But it's better than being self destructive in other ways, and relatively easy to get over if it goes badly.

[cold before sunrise]

yes! when i'm really upset it always helps to give myself a cuticle massage and clean my nails. part of it feels like preparing for a fight, the calm before the storm, and there's a certain 'taming the wildcat' feeling about it that's soothing. by the time i'm done that the kitten inside wants me to give myself a face massage too and that's usually enough to chill out any beast threatening to be set loose. i really can't recommend facial massage enough. 

[jebreject]

I spent the past two weeks locked in my room.

Today I got up and got showered and put on clothes all "yeah I'm gonna be a real person again!".  But then I sat down to eat breakfast, and I felt like my clothes were all dirty, and my face was sweating, and I was really uncomfortable.  So I had to take all my clothes off.  I'll be able to get dressed later, because I have to go to class, but I'm not going to be comfortable and I'm going to want to come home as soon as possible.

I had a breakdown at school 2 weeks ago that sort of kicked this all off.  I went to the counseling centre at the school, counselor had me talk to my GP.  I ended up telling the doctor I thought I was going to hurt myself.  She just stared at me and made me feel like it was my fault I didn't have an appointment with a psychiatrist yet.  I'm starting to feel like doctors can't help me.  

I mean, I know this moment will pass.  But having to take these breaks in life is really frustrating.  It effects my ability to work, my social life, my relationship with acquaintances.  I don't know how to come back from a bad month and get past things that happened, after a year I usually just surround myself with new people.  I wish I could stop feeling like my life was such a nightmare.  

I wish I had something more productive to say, but 

[fishjim]

Sorry to hear this, Ashley. I know that nightmare feeling - it's not anything you can reason with.

Are you a fan of Kimya Dawson? She's the singer who did most of the songs in Juno. While I'm not sure it would've sped my recovery to have had Kimya around to calm me down, her latest makes it clear she knows that nightmare feeling, too. At the very least, she's a reassuring voice to play while you're grooming.

If you don't have the money, I'm happy to upload Thunder Thighs to mediafire & delete it once you've downloaded it. I'm 100% certain Kimya would be cool with this.

[Ashley]

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling a bit better now.  This semester is over, and I feel $600 richer because I found out I haven't been getting money I should be getting, but I will eventually get it.  Maybe without school woes and money woes I will chill out a bit.

Are you a fan of Kimya Dawson? She's the singer who did most of the songs in Juno. While I'm not sure it would've sped my recovery to have had Kimya around to calm me down, her latest makes it clear she knows that nightmare feeling, too. At the very least, she's a reassuring voice to play while you're grooming.

If you don't have the money, I'm happy to upload Thunder Thighs to mediafire & delete it once you've downloaded it. I'm 100% certain Kimya would be cool with this.

I am familiar with Kimya Dawson, although I'm more of an Adam Green fan.  I haven't heard Thunder thighs though, I'll totally give it a listen. 

[davy]

Hey Em, I sent you a pm.

And Ashley, I'm really glad to hear you're feeling better.

[Em]

Ashley, it's good you're feeling like some things are getting back on track.

Davy, I wrote you back.

[Babar]

Hey uhhh... dumbfish, sent you a pm, man. don't tell Em and Davy.

[milly balgeary]

Hey Babar, PM in your inbox.

[Em]

Don't look at me, I was just following form. 

[cold before sunrise]

i try and keep my inbox full so nobody can bug me with their private thoughts. then i get annoyed with having to read them over and over, delete them and get more. it's a nasty cycle of over sharing.

[YojimboMonkey]

really cbs? I have saved every golden nugget of wisdom you've ever PMed my way

[Em]

Checking in to bring happy news to the depression/bipolar thread. As I said before, things got a little rocky earlier when I cut my dose of Abilify owing to frustrations over excess weight. My doctor and I talked about it and after I took a firm stance against going back to the original dose, we added in a new med (zonisamide--way off-label but with a decent track record) and it's working out really well for me. I'm in a good place mentally, and since slashing the Abilify in half, I've lost 20 pounds (it happened really fast and I'm keeping up my healthy habits and hoping for more).

Downside to zonisamide--apparently a rather common side effect, which I'm experiencing, is an inability to sweat as much as you ought to (making you get overheated), which is interfering somewhat with my rather rigorous yoga practice. I'm just taking it easy in class and hoping the side effect will lessen as time goes on, as I have been told that it will. Other than that, smooth sailing for now!

[Mike24]

anybody have a SAD light? i'm thinking about shelling out for this one.

[Greg Nog]

I've never tried one!  Let us know how it goes if you get it!

[Mike24]

yeah imma get it.

i should probably have gotten one years ago because i know that my mood is very sensitive to weather/light/etc.

nobody seems to actually carry it in-store so i guess i'll be waiting a bit before trying it out.